Guys & Dolls
by Rachel Noelle
Summary: In which Gin plays matchmaker, Ulquiorra goes to school, Hitsugaya gets a kiss, Matsumoto finds a new lover, Aizen adopts, Orihime gives him a grandchild, Ichigo makes a new friend, Rukia finds a seat, Renji cries, and Grimmjow plays make-believe.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** I'm only posting the first chapter tonight, just to see how much of a response I get (not just reviews, either). I'll post the next chapter tomorrow, most likely. I hope you enjoy, and this will be so much pure, utter crack that you'll likely drown in it, and there will be more OOC moments than you can shake a stick at. I've spelled Grimmjow a couple of different ways, and Szayzel instead of Szayel. If it bothers you, I'm sorry. I like them this way, lol. Also, I'm starting this with a 'T' rating, but let me know if you think it deserves more. Actually, with the next chapter, I'm sure it will. I don't recall anything this chapter, though. **So, if M-rated fics bother you, I wouldn't read this.** There's nothing explicit, but, you know..._

_Please Enjoy Seireitei Guys & Dolls!! If you like it, or have suggestions/critisism, I'd love to have you let me know in a review! Many thanks!  
-Rachel Noelle_

In which Gin plays matchmaker, Ulquiorra goes to school, Ichigo makes a new friend, Rukia finds a seat, and Grimmjow plays make-believe.

* * *

In Hueco Mundo, a silver haired man sat upon a stool, observing the screens and videos of Soul Society and the Living World. He had one screen trained on two people in particular, and decided that since he could no longer be with the woman, and the kid needed to loosen up some, anyway, the kid should be with her.

Gin retreated into Aizen's personal chambers, calling out as he approached the door. "Aizen taicho, I wa' jus' thinkin'. I'm bored, and I wanna borrow your quatro Espada. Don' worry, I'll brin' him back in one piece," Gin promised.

Aizen, who happened to be distracted in his own little world inside his head, mumbled something in the affirmative, essentially telling Gin to do what he wanted as long as he didn't kill anyone. At least, no killing yet. Gin skipped down the hall, grinning like the madman he is, to find Ulquiorra. Was he going to be in for a surprise or what?

Ulquiorra, having sneezed a fair few times in a row, knew something terrible was about to happen to him. He tried in vain to hide out behind Orihime, but, alas, since her shield only protects from one side, Gin simply stepped around it.

"Don' worry, Orihime-chan. I'll brin' your lov'r back in one piece. Besi'es, I thin' Aizen-sama wants to adop' him or sum'tin. Wants to be able ta call that baby yer gonna have his gran-kid," Gin smiled brightly, trying to assure Orihime that Ulquiorra was not in for anything terrible.

"But, we're not lovers, and I'm not pregnant," Orihime responded, very confusedly.

"Oh, tha's right. Well, it'll happ'n soon," Gin corrected himself. No one ever seemed to believe him when he predicted the future, but, then again, he never had predicted the future before. "Come on, Ulquiorra-san, I got a mission for ya." Gin dragged Ulquiorra from Orihime's room, and in his haste to insure her safety, and completely distraught from the thought of one of Gin-sama's missions, Ulquiorra appointed Grimmjaw to care for her.

Ulquiorra, still being dragged by Gin, and Gin, of course, since he was dragging Ulquiorra, arrived in the monitor room moments later. "Alrigh', Ulquiorra, here's wha' yer gonna do..." Gin pointed to a couple of people on a screen, sitting in an office, one, doing what looked to be paperwork, the other lounging on a sofa. Ulquiorra cast up a silent prayer as he prepared himself mentally for Gin's 'mission'.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

About two weeks later, in the main office of the tenth division...

"Matsumoto, are you ready yet? We have to go meet the new recruits," a grumpy Hitsugaya said to his fukutaicho as she stood in front of a mirror in their office, primping.

"Almost, Taicho. I have to work to look this pretty, you know? I know you would love me no matter how I look, but it isn't just about the boobs," Matsumoto admonished her taicho, whose eyes grew wide and blushed deeply.

"Matsu- I mean- what are- how do- why would-" he stuttered out, embarrassed.

Matsumoto turned to face him, leaning her face very close to his. "Just because you look too young for puberty doesn't mean you are. You're just short, and we both know it," just as she was about to prove her point by grabbing Hitsugaya by the haori collar and doing something to him that would have made him close the office for the day, or maybe a few (explaining the idea of age in Soul Society, pervs), a knock sounded sharply on the door. Takezoe let himself into the office, carrying a corsage and a boutonnière.

"What the hell are those for?" Hitsugaya asked, still fighting the blush and in a rather fowl mood from the interruption. "We didn't order flowers, did we? And we've certainly never used them before."

"Ne, Taicho, of course not. These are invitations sent from Yamamoto Soutaicho to invite you two to participate in the 'Seireitei Guys and Dolls' competition. He said he thought you stood a wonderful chance of winning the couple's competition. Actually, he figures the two of you could walk away with it all..." Takezoe answered.

"I'm not entering some stupid competition. We can't enter anyway because we're not a couple," Hitsugaya replied, crossing his arms and scowling deeply.

"You're not?" Takezoe replied, looking dumbfounded. "Since when?"

"We've never been a couple," Matsumoto explained. Hitsugaya looked saddened but Matsumoto didn't notice.

Takezoe procured a letter from his robes and handed it to Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, a very nervous and apologetic look on his face. Matsumoto took it and read through the letter, which bore the official seal of the soutaicho, and gasped before she announced the contents.

"We have to enter, Taicho. It's a direct order from Yama-jii. See?" she handed the letter over and Hitsugaya read the contents for himself.

_To: Hitsugaya Toshiro taicho and Matsumoto Rangiku fukutaicho._

_Re: Seireitei Guys and Dolls Competition_

_You are hereby ordered to participate in the upcoming "Seireitei Guys and Dolls" competition. You will each be entered into the individual competitions, and will be entering the Couple's competition together. Ukitake taicho has been assigned to be your routine instructor, as he is in too ill health to partake in unnecessary competitions at this time. I wish you the best of luck. Official rules and regulations are enclosed. Please read them thoroughly before the first meeting tonight at 7:00 pm._

_Signed, Yamamoto Soutaicho_

Finding no other words for their current situation, Takezoe summed it up nicely. "Well, that just sucks."

Hitsugaya wanted to bang his head against a wall, but knew he and Matsumoto had no choice in the matter. Matsumoto, though wishing she could castrate Yama-jii for forcing her cute little taicho into something against his will like this – that was her job, forcing him into situations against his will – decided to make light of the situation. "I wonder who the other couples will be?"

Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, and Takezoe discussed the possibilities as they went to greet their new division members from the academy.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Meanwhile, at the academy...

"Schiffer, Ulquiorra," called a voice from the front of the great hall. Ulquiorra grudgingly made his way to the front of the crowd. Luckily, Gin had pulled enough strings (it seemed no one had informed the Academy Headmaster that Gin was actually the enemy) that Ulquiorra didn't actually have to go through the Academy training, he simply got to graduate and be assigned to a squad. How he managed Ulquiorra didn't want to know, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Gin agreed to some sort of sexual favors to the headmaster. She may have been smart and powerful, but she looked enough like a man that it made Ulquiorra's stomach sick. That and the thought of Gin and sex in the same sentence.

A small man stepped forward to Ulquiorra as he approached and handed him a letter. It bore only his name on the outside of it, and the official school seal on the back. He ripped it open, working very hard to pretend he was actually excited about the prospect of being assigned to a division. Tenth division, of course, just as Gin-sama decided it should be. Stupid Gin, trying to play matchmaker.

Ulquiorra made his way into the courtyard, finding the section with, strangely, the most men and women in it, to stand with. He introduced himself, grudgingly, to a few of the others waiting there.

After a torturous time waiting for the leaders of his new division to show, the crowd around him finally parted to reveal the reason everyone in the immediate vicinity seemed to be rubbing blood from their noses. Matsumoto, spotting Ulquiorra for his features, immediately walked up to him. Suddenly, he knew this had been a bad idea. Gin was wrong; he'd never make it home to Orihime. Even if they weren't lovers yet, he still missed her. And now, because he was obviously an Arrancar they'd fought they would kill him right here, right now. And he had no chance of escape, not with this many people around.

"Do I know you?" Matsumoto asked, recognizing something familiar about Ulquiorra. "Taicho," she called, "do we know him?"

"I dunno. What's your name?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Schiffer, Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Hmm... yeah, I think we do know him, Matsumoto. But, how did you end up here?"

"I was, uh..." Ulquiorra tried to think quickly. Why would he be in Soul Society, anyway? Then, he remembered Gin's explanation, "I was reincarnated and thanks to my great abilities, which I never lost, I graduated the academy in just under two weeks."

"Oh, well," Matsumoto shrugged. "I guess that sounds fair. I mean, if you ended up at the academy, anyway... Welcome to the Tenth!!" she finished, singing her welcome loudly.

A random male in the surrounding crowd was heard fussing, "Oh, great. The freak and the shrimp get all of her attention. The only reason I preffed for this division..."

"Jeeze, who pissed in your post toasties this morning?" Ulquiorra retorted, "You trash. I don't want her attention; I have the attention of a female back home, thanks. If only I could see her..." Ulquiorra trailed off, sighing sadly.

Matsumoto and Hitsugaya shared a look of confusion before shrugging to one another and deciding to lead their recruits to the barracks.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Returning to Hueco Mundo…

Gin sat, yet again, in front of the monitors in Hueco Mundo. He was scoping out the competition for the Seireitei Guys and Dolls competition, trying to decide the chance that Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had to win it all. So far, unless Byakuya took home a lot of votes for the individual men's, the only competition they stood was from Zaraki and Unohana in the couple's competition. He observed Ulquiorra as he pretended to be training for the seating competition to be held the next day within each division.

oOoOo

Grimmjaw walked down the halls of Hueco Mundo, looking for the little Arrancar girl that used to be the very beautiful, very powerful Neliel Tu Oderschvank. Somehow he and Orihime managed to loose her in the halls while playing hide and seek. He still wasn't sure that Orihime actually convinced him to play hide and seek. At least it was better than playing princesses with the two, he guessed. Though, when he thought about it, he'd never played anything with them before. Maybe he could convince them to play something more masculine, like Cops and Robbers or Army.

So lost in thought was he that he ran smack into Orihime and Szayzel. Orihime, at least, did not look frightened by Szayzel, but intrigued. Grimmjaw approached them to see what their discussion was about.

"So, basically, if you will consent, I can clone you. Only some things will be a bit different, like your hair color may be lighter or darker, and your personality will reflect what is currently a random meek trait as the strongest, though everything else remains the same. Your clone should have the same powers as you, and be just as obnoxiously bubbly and outgoing as you are. Though I think I can fix the issue of the taste in food. And, furthermore, since there will be two of you, you can have Ulquiorra-san while she gets Grimmjaw-san, or vice versa," Szayzel explained. "It will take about three days to complete, and Ulquiorra should have returned by then. What do you say?"

Orihime thought seriously about it, then, realizing she should ask Grimmjaw if he would date a clone of herself, turned to him for his opinion. "What do you think, Grimmjaw-sama? I could date Ulquiorra and you at the same time. Would you date a clone of me?" she asked, putting a finger to her lips in a questioning sort of stance.

Grimmjaw thought it over for a few minutes. He could dig dating Orihime. And it would be nice not to have to worry about treading on Ulquiorra's toes where his precious Pet-sama was concerned. Yes, if there were two Orihime's, they could both have one... "Sure, so long as you make the new you's boobs bigger. I want 'em as big as that hot chick that Ulquiorra's hanging out with in Seireitei right now. Yours are pretty big already, so it shouldn't take much work, right?"

Szayzel slapped Grimmjaw across the face. "How could you say something so insulting to my client? I shall modify Orihime-san's body only in whatever way she sees fit."

Orihime answered immediately. "Go ahead, Szayzel-sama. If Grimmjaw wants bigger boobs on my clone, then go ahead. He'll be the one dating her, right? I mean me, I mean... who do I mean?"

"Okay then. I'll need to have you come to my lab as soon as you find the little girl," Szayzel said as he walked off.

Grimmjaw and Orihime set out together, still looking for Nel. They found her curled up in a corner, sleeping. The trio headed back to Orihime's room, dropping Orihime off at Szayzel's lab along the way. Grimmjaw just made it inside Orihime's room, Nel still sleeping in his arms. As soon as he lay her on the sofa she woke up.

"Grimmy-kun!" she yelled the moment she recognized the face of the man towering above her. He groaned to himself, dreading what would undoubtedly come next. "Grimmy-kun, let's play a game!"

Grimmjaw sighed heavily, "Fine, what do you want to play?"

"Let's play pretend! How about Princesses?" Nel decided excitedly.

"I have a better idea," Grimmjaw tried, "Let's play cops and robbers. I'll be the robber, and you can be the cop. You have to chase me around and try to catch me because I'm pretending I stole something from you, okay?" Nel contemplated this and decided it was to her liking.

The pair spent the rest of the afternoon playing Cops and Robbers, waiting for Orihime to return.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

In the Living World...

"Ichigo, why don't we just be friends?" Ichigo, who had been lying on his back trying to change the way his inner world looked, stood straight up, looking cautiously to his hollow.

"I thought you didn't want to be friends? You're always talking about throwing me off my horse and other philosophical shit like that," he responded.

His hollow shrugged, "Well, I was just thinking. Maybe if we could be friends, I could learn to manifest myself outside of this world, and get to see the sights and all. As long as you trust me, you know? And what better way to gain your trust than to become friends? So, what do you say? Will you be my friend and give me a name?" The hollow looked with big, sad, puppy-dog eyes at Ichigo.

Still stunned, but finding no reason not to accept, since the hollow couldn't exactly lie to him, Ichigo agreed. "Sure, why not? I think we'll name you Ikasoruk Ogihci. That's my name, just backward. Since you're part of me and all..."

The hollow was unhappy about that. The name was long and hard to pronounce. "Why can't I be something simple, like Kurosaki Fred or Kurosaki John? I know, what about Kurosaki Kaien, after that one kid Rukia liked so much? Maybe she'd like me better… She's pretty hot, you know?"

"I know. I mean –urgh," Ichigo growled out, "I dunno if she'd appreciate me naming my hollow after her precious Kaien-dono. How about something simple, like Shiro? Or we could really piss off Toshiro and call you Toshiro, too," Ichigo suggested.

"Hmm... I like Shiro. But, what about Kurosaki Nube?"

Ichigo looked to his hollow in disgust, "Nube? Seriously? Isn't that Spanish for 'cloud' or something? You want to be all soft and fluffy?" Ichigo kind of lost it for a bit, and he laughed long and hard at the hollow's suggestion.

"Well, I could be compared to a cloud. I am white," the hollow pouted. "I could be soft and fluffy."

Ichigo regained his composure, "Alright, alright. You can be Kurosaki Nube. But I'm just going to call you Shiro, dude."

And so, it was settled. Ichigo made a new friend, and his hollow gained a name.

oOoOo

It was only moments after leaving his inner world that Rukia appeared in Ichigo's room. In her hand she held the takeout meal from the restaurant down the street. She pulled out a fortune cookie (who knew burger joints gave away fortune cookies) and opened it, eager to read the silly fortune written inside.

"You will find a seat in the very near future," she read aloud, breaking Ichigo from his reverie. When he cast her a funny look she held up the slip of paper in her hand. "Maybe it means I'll finally get an officer's position, and Nii-sama's going to back off for a while."

Ichigo and Rukia sat together to eat, and he told her about his day with his hollow. She smiled happily and congratulated him. After eating she announced her state of boredom and decided that they should go to the park. An unhappy, but not unwilling, Ichigo was dragged out the door by the hand behind her.

And, as luck would have it, they chanced upon an abandoned arm chair just outside the gates of the park. "Well, it wasn't the seat I was hoping for, but it seems to still be in good condition... Let's take it home with us, Ichigo, and clean it up."

Ichigo, not ready to turn around and walk back home after trudging the entire distance to get to the park, sat in the chair instead. "Hmm, it's not bad. In fact, it's kind of comfy. See, try," and with that he pulled Rukia onto his lap. Realizing just what he'd done, and the way things looked to the few other people passing them on the sidewalk, Ichigo and Rukia both blushed.

"Well, Ichigo. I didn't know you could be so forward," Rukia teased, determined to make the best of the moment regardless of the circumstances.

Ichigo, also determined to make some good of this, responded, while wrapping his arms around her waist, "I can be even more forward, if you like." Rukia nodded her shy, affirmative response and Ichigo closed the distance between their two sets of lips. Both being inexperienced (that one kiss with Renji did not count, he swears!) the kiss was sloppy and wet, but neither complained and they practiced together. Near six in the evening, Rukia and Ichigo broke apart from one another as an officer approached them. Fearing they would be getting into trouble, they grabbed their seat and shunpoed as far away as they could.

The officer called after them, and Ichigo thought maybe he should have stuck around after all. "I was just going to say thanks! I won the bet about how long you two could stay there in that chair making out! Five hours! Hell yes!"

Ichigo and Rukia finally brought the chair inside his house, his dad and sisters smirking at the happy looks on both their faces.

"Ah, crap, Ichigo, we have to go to that meeting. It's almost time," Rukia announced. Ichigo's family wished them luck with the competition as they packed their bags and headed off for a month long stay in Seireitei, taking their seat with them.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Back to Seireitei...

"I'd like to thank each of you for coming tonight," Yamamoto began as a means of opening the meeting, "This is our first annual 'Seireitei Guys and Dolls' competition. All those of taicho and fukutaicho position have been ordered to attend. Any other member of the Thirteen Squads may choose to enter or to not. Next week I will have the list of entrants into the competition posted. Those of you who are entering should know who your routine coach will be. Taichos of the seventh, second, and thirteenth divisions have elected to act as these coaches." Yama-jii carried on, going over the rules and whatnot for the competition.

Ichigo and Rukia sat together holding hands in the back of the room. Beside them sat Matsumoto and Hitsugaya, whom they were conversing with.

"...And then he had the gall to order us to enter the Couple's competition. We're not even a couple," Matsumoto explained exasperated.

"You're not?" replied a stunned Rukia. "Since when?"

Matsumoto looked at her with a blank expression on her face. "Since never, I suppose. We've never been together." Rukia noticed she looked a little saddened by the revelation.

"Wow. That's generally accepted as common knowledge around here, that you and Hitsugaya taicho are an item. Kind of like me and Ichigo. Especially now that it's 'official,' I'm sure," Rukia elaborated.

"Yeah, considering your grumpy, but definitely a fine piece of man-candy, brother has thought for months that you were together and just not telling him," Rukia looked repulsed at thinking of her brother in such a way and Hitsugaya, who was pretending not to listen to the conversation, looked at Matsumoto with hurt written on his face. She didn't notice, but Rukia did.

Rukia leant close to Matsumoto, to whisper in the older woman's ear, "I have a feeling you won't be 'not a couple' for long." Matsumoto's cheeks were suddenly tinged pink.

A small door in the back of the room opened near the table where the four sat, and Ulquiorra appeared in the doorway, seeking his new taicho. He approached their table, garnering a horrified look from Rukia and Ichigo. "It's okay. He's been reincarnated and, since he was able to keep his abilities and all, graduated from the academy in only two weeks. At least it only took me a week and a half," Hitsugaya explained to the couple, adding the last bit in an attempt to bolster his own ego.

"Hitsugaya taicho," Ulquiorra began. He didn't really like it here, but Hitsugaya treated him a hell of a lot better than Aizen. So, he allowed himself to enjoy himself some. "A letter was delivered to the office a short time ago. The messenger demanded it be given to you immediately. I tried to tell the trash that you were in a very important meeting, but he insisted." Ulquiorra bowed in apology, but Hitsugaya waved it off, thankful for the distraction, and accepted the letter.

"Thank you, Ulquiorra," Hitsugaya dismissed the Espada, "If you'll excuse me a moment, I suppose I should take this. I'll be in the washroom if it's an emergency." And, before Matsumoto could object or insist on going with him, he disappeared.

"In conclusion, your squad members will be given until Wednesday morning, 10:00 a.m. to sign up and try out. You're dismissed," Yamamoto finally decreed.

Matsumoto, since her taicho was still gone, took Ulquiorra by the arm as she walked out the door with him, Rukia, and Ichigo. "You all should come back and have some sake with me. I'm sure Renji and Kira and Hisagi will come. I'll even invite Ikkaku and Yumi, too!" Matsumoto extended the invitation to her flat for a night of drinks. "Taicho might even come round, if I can ever find him..."

oOoOo

In the washroom of the first division meeting hall, Hitsugaya opened the letter. Expecting it to be something minor, but grateful for the interruption, he was quite surprised when he opened it and found handwriting very similar to Matsumoto's. He glanced at the letter once, then, in disbelief, had to read it again.

_Dear Toshiro,_

_Meet me at the office Tuesday night at ten. I've made arrangements for dinner and entertainment afterward. ; )_

_With Love,_

_Your Secret Admirer_

He didn't know if he wanted to know what was going on or not. If it turned out to not be Matsumoto, he'd have a broken heart. But, if he didn't go, he ran the risk of missing Matsumoto, should she be the one behind the note. He just didn't know why it was of such importance that he see the letter immediately. Deciding to go as the letter instructed, he exited the washroom and sneaked back to his flat. He had three days to prepare, and it would likely take all three.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Again to Hueco Mundo...

Gin sat again in the monitor room, watching as Ulquiorra put the first steps of his plan into action. He promised Orihime that she could see Ulquiorra if this phase of the plan worked out. He expected it to take him using phases two, three, and four to actually get the young taicho to 'grow a pair' (as they say; Gin certainly hoped Hitsugaya did, indeed, have a pair already) and ask the older woman for a relationship, but he could hope, couldn't he, that it would only need phase one. Hell, if everything went really right, she'd be begging him to get married soon.

"Gin-sama," Szayzel interrupted him, "I apologize for the interruption, but I have come to inform you that stage one of the plan to clone Orihime-san has been a success."

"Ah, thank ya, thank ya," Gin replied. "Yare, ever'thin' is workin' out qui'e well, isn't it?" Szayzel nodded in agreement, not caring what he was agreeing to, but sure that was the best plan of action. Gin stood from his seat, calling out as he headed for the door, "I'm gonna go play wit' Orihime-chan and Nel-chan now. Wanna come?"

Szayzel, remembering the results of the earlier events of the day with Nel involved declined and sought refuge inside his lab.

Until the wee hours of the night Gin, Nel, Orihime, and Grimmjaw played board games. After Nel fell asleep they even chanced a game of strip poker between the older three. Orihime won every round and sat, fully clothed, giggling and blushing madly at the two men sitting naked in front of her. She laughed even harder when the two tried to explain that it was 'just cold out.' Never mind the fact that the room sat at a comfy 75 degrees Fahrenheit.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Back in Seireitei...

Matsumoto stood on the floor beside a chair in the corner of her living room. Ulquiorra sat on the chair, crying rivers of tears. She leaned down to him, embracing him tightly. "There, there," she cooed, "It's okay. Let it all out, you can cry on me." Hitsugaya cast a brief and jealousy induced glare at the crying Arrancar.

Ulquiorra sniffled loudly and Rukia handed him a tissue. "It's okay, Ulquiorra-sama. Kira-kun hits on all the cute guys. He hits on Ichigo at least once a week, and Yumichika is the unwilling recipient of his advances at least every other day. He hits on the girls, too. He hit on me once, but then he saw that I was with Nii-sama, and he's been hitting on him instead ever since. But, Hinamori tells me he hits on her quite often, even if it is just for appearances," Rukia tried to help soothe the quatro Espada.

"Oh, hey Shiro!" Rukia called. Amazingly, the hollow had learned to manifest himself in only a few short hours and was now enjoying the party currently in progress in Matsumoto's flat. The only restraint seemed to be that he couldn't venture more than roughly fifty feet from Ichigo.

Hitsugaya glared at Rukia briefly, about to write her up for insubordination for calling him Shiro, but realized almost at the same instant that she wasn't talking to him. Why he let Matsumoto drag him there he would not admit.

"Yeah, Rukia?" Shiro called back. She was the first to accept him, and he quite liked her. His master had chosen a good partner, indeed.

"Could you bring me some more tissues, I think we're going to need them," she called before turning back to Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra sniveled again, "It's not just that. I just miss Orihime so much, and then he had to go and rub it in my face that I can't be with her. Even if he was just trying to pick me up. He didn't have to make it clear that I couldn't go home to her yet."

"Would you like to smash your face in my boobs? It'll feel like hers, I'm sure. Taicho loves to; it always makes him feel better," Matsumoto offered. Hitsugaya heard and admonished her from across the room.

"Matsumoto! I do- I do not!" he stuttered, trying not to admit to anything of the sort tonight.

"He does, too. Ah, I can only imagine the fun we could have if he would admit it," Matsumoto sighed.

"Don't worry, Rangiku-san, I'm sure he'll come around before long," Ulquiorra assured her through his own tears.

"Oh, thanks, Ulquiorra-san. But, I'm supposed to be comforting you."

Shiro approached the small cluster of women and Ulquiorra with the box of tissues. "Why would he be coming around? Aren't you two together?"

"We're not a couple," Matsumoto decreed, saddened by the ultimate finality of saying or hearing those words three times that day.

"You're not?" Shiro exclaimed, "Since when?"

"We've never been a couple," Matsumoto got the smallest hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Well, that just sucks. Yeah, I'm with Ulqui-san here. He'll come around soon then," Shiro comforted the woman, who smiled brightly and kissed his cheek in thanks. Again, Hitsugaya shot a jealous glare to someone in the room.

And so, the party continued into the night. Ulquiorra calmed down after a few shots of sake, Kira was thrown out for picking on a member of the tenth division at a tenth division hosted party, and although Hitsugaya swears he went to sleep in his own bed, he somehow woke up in Matsumoto's. Thankfully, both were still fully clothed, and even on opposite edges of the bed. He made his escape before Matsumoto woke up, and she acted none-the-wiser.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: **I want to thank everyone who reviewed, read, faved, or whatever for this story. Here is Chapter 2, and I hope you find it at least as entertaining as the first. I went ahead and upped the rating, because there is some, for lack of a better term, graphic mention of nudity in here. Chapter three won't be out for a few days, as I plan to do the two chapters at a time thing with this story as well. After the first two chapters, of course. I don't have any actual lemons/limes planned, and if I decide to do something like that I will give you fair warning. I could probably get away with a T-rating, but to be on the safe side... _

_Thanks for reading!  
-Rachel Noelle_

* * *

In Hueco Mundo…

When Tuesday rolled around, Gin and Grimmjaw were still catching grief about their strip poker game. Hallibel and all of the other female Arrancar congratulated Orihime on a job well done, at least once. Orihime, once again, was babysitting Nel, with the assistance of Grimmjaw. Orihime just thought it explained that Gin compensated for his shortcomings in creepiness and Grimmjaw in bad manners. Gin did own up to the fact that maybe it wasn't _that_ cold.

Nel ran around Orihime's room, pretending to be a fairy like one of Orihime's Shun Shun Rikka. Orihime and Grimmjaw sat on the sofa, playing Rummy. Szayzel approached the room and knocked lightly. He stuck his head inside, and, ignoring the glare from Grimmjaw, made his announcement, "I need to borrow Orihime-chan for a bit. Phase two of the cloning process is about to begin."

"I thought it was only supposed to take three days? It's been three days already," Grimmjaw commented.

"Oh, that's three days that I actually work on it. Saturday was day one, today is day two, and tomorrow will be day three," Szayzel replied, acting as though it should be blatantly obvious.

Orihime made her way out the door, following Szayzel and leaving an unhappy Grimmjaw with an over-excited Nel. "I swear, if she didn't have such great features, I'd kill her," Grimmjaw murmured as Orihime walked through the door.

oOoOo

Gin sat beside Hallibel, with Yammy and Stark in the monitor room. Even though the competition for Seireitei Guys and Dolls didn't start until the next day, everyone in the room was anxious to see the pre-game show. It was Tuesday by this time, and the four had taken to gathering in the monitor room with a couple of huge bowls of popcorn and several sodas for the evening's entertainment. Tonight happened to be the mystery date for Hitsugaya and his secret admirer. Or Matsumoto and her secret admirer, depending on who you asked.

The small group gathered on the Sunday prior to watch the seat placement competitions for the tenth division. Ulquiorra excelled and was placed as the third seat of the division. Hitsugaya refused to demote his fukutaicho, no matter the cost. On that Monday, the group gathered. They didn't have any activities in Seireitei to watch, besides when Ulquiorra delivered Matsumoto's 'secret admirer' letter. So, instead, they watched the reruns of the party Saturday night at Matsumoto's flat, and laughed heartily when Ulquiorra cried, as well as when he carried a very passed out Hitsugaya into Matsumoto's room and lay him under the cover with her.

But tonight they were waiting for. And the tryouts the next day. The group sat huddled together, Hallibel allowing Gin to cuddle with her. Since he'd been so honest about the strip poker incident, she decided she could trust him enough to cuddle. Yammy and Stark appeared to be doing the same on the other small sofa.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Division Ten in Seireitei…

It had been a long day, and Hitsugaya and Matsumoto were both so antsy about the evening ahead that neither noticed the state of the other. Matsumoto actually finished most of her paperwork, while Hitsugaya barely touched his. He kept going over the letter he'd received in his head, hoping and praying Matsumoto really was behind it.

Around six Matsumoto and Hitsugaya left the office, going their own ways to prepare for the evening. Matsumoto wanted a nice, hot bath while Hitsugaya was opting for a cold shower and a steaming cup of tea. In Hueco Mundo Gin had the decency not to show that on the monitors. He and the others didn't need to be drooling and no nosebleeds were necessary. They weren't watching a porno, after all. They watched home movies instead.

oOoOo

Ulquiorra waited until the two officers above him vacated the office then let himself in. As their new third seat he was given a key and shared a small office in the barracks with the fourth through seventh seats. He'd had no choice but to ask for the help of some of the officers in his office. Only Takezoe consented, the others declared they already had plans but wished him luck, and when the fourth seat heard of his decorating plans she squealed happily.

"Maybe," their fifth seat added, "if the Taicho gets laid, he'll loosen up some and quit working himself to death. It's fine if he wants to kill himself with work, but I don't want to die from that." Ulquiorra smiled, which he found increasingly common since coming to Seireitei, and thanked his companions for their help.

He and Takezoe sneaked into the main office just at seven. They made short work of the decorations – minus the flowers, they needed to be as fresh as possible – but got stuck on what to fix for the dinner. Takezoe suggested seafood, but the smell of that alone in the air made Ulquiorra sick. So, they settled on steaks. Ulquiorra prepared the food, tasting it to make sure it was at the opposite end of the scale of Orihime's food. Love her he may, but if they ever lived together outside Hueco Mundo, he would make sure to cook or eat out as often as humanly (well, Arrancarly) possible.

They finished up around nine-thirty, and laid out the fresh flowers. Really, they were pretty. Who knew Gin-sama had such refined tastes? The two seated officers barely snuck away in time not to be noticed by Hitsugaya when he approached.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Back in Hueco Mundo…

Gin and Hallibel were cooing over how beautiful everything was in the tenth division's office. Hallibel revealed that she loved daffodils, and Gin sent some lower Arrancar out to fetch her a bouquet. After the short intermission (hey, they have Tivo in Hueco Mundo, okay?) Gin returned to his seat and presented the bouquet to Hallibel. She smiled and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"If tha's what I get fer flowers, wha' do I get fer dinner and a movie?" Gin asked, a mischievous, flirty glint in his currently opened eyes.

"Are you asking me for a date, Gin-sama?" Hallibel replied, her tone flirtatious to match his eyes.

Gin nodded, feigning shyness, "I s'pose we coul' do tha'." He answered.

"Oh! Thursday then. We already have an appointment for tomorrow," Hallibel consented and sat down, cuddling into Gin on their sofa. Yammy and Stark fought back tears.

"That… is just… so, so…" a loud sniff from Yammy, "beautiful."

"Gin-sama finally found him a love," Stark added, sniffling beside him.

If Aizen only knew what Gin was into these days. Matchmaking… who'd have ever guessed? Hey, Rukia didn't stumble across that fortune cookie (she went to a burger joint, remember?) and chair in the park by coincidence.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

The return to the Tenth…

Hitsugaya, ever prudent, found his way back to his office about ten minutes to ten. He opened the door to find the floor covered with rose petals, a romantic table set for two, soft music coming from something he recognized as a CD player, and a bouquet of daffodils and roses situated neatly on a chair. He found a single of each flower laid upon the other seat. Not sensing anyone in the room, he called out.

"Matsumoto? Are you here?" he didn't expect her to answer, so it surprised him when she did.

"Taicho? Is that you?" she replied from the doorway. Hitsugaya turned to face her and found himself lost for words. She was wearing a short red dress and heels. It accentuated her curves and assets perfectly. And her legs… She walked closer and presented a handkerchief to him. "Your nose is bleeding and you're drooling worse than a dog," she laughed, serving to paint his face beet red.

"So, why did you send me a letter? You could have just asked, Taicho," Matsumoto ventured.

"I didn't send any letter. I thought you sent me one?" Hitsugaya returned.

"No, I didn't…" she sighed. "I wonder who we're waiting on then?" Hitsugaya looked stricken.

"I don't see anyone else around… I say we say that we've been set up and have dinner," he suggested. Matsumoto observed the room and the surrounding area, letting her gaze linger on Hitsugaya's smaller frame, enjoying the view of him in black slacks and a pressed white button-up shirt, with a red tie just the shade of her dress. (Coincidence? I think not. Ulquiorra just happened to suggest that red was a lovely color to wear on Tuesdays.)

She consented to Hitsugaya's suggestion as he pulled out a chair at the table, presenting her with the bouquet of flowers. He sat on the opposite seat and removed the silver cover from his plate. He looked questioningly to the steak. "It's still warm, so I guess it's safe to eat. As long as you or Inoue didn't cook it, it should be okay, right?" Hitsugaya asked, talking more to himself than Matsumoto.

"Hey, that's not very nice," Matsumoto retorted playfully.

"I never said it was supposed to be," Hitsugaya replied. They continued their banter throughout the remainder of their meal. When the plates were empty, Hitsugaya cleared them from the table.

"You know, my letter mentioned something about entertainment afterward. Do you have any good ideas?" Hitsugaya asked.

Matsumoto got that same sparkle in her eyes as Gin had earlier in the evening and grabbed Hitsugaya by the hand, dragging him out the door.

After ten minutes of lots of short steps of shunpo, the pair arrived in a clearing in the woods on the other side of Seireitei. Matsumoto procured a blanket from seemingly nowhere and spread it on the ground. She then placed herself on it, tugging Hitsugaya's hand to make him take a seat beside her. They started chatting as they watched the stars dance in the sky.

oOoOo

About ten minutes later there was a chorus of cheering from the crowd now gathered in the monitor room in Hueco Mundo. The crowd, once consisting of Gin, Hallibel, Yammy, and Stark, now stretched to include Grimmjaw, Orihime, Nel, Szayzel, and Ulquiorra, who was on leave from Seireitei for the night and next morning. On the screen the group watched as Matsumoto showed Hitsugaya "the best way to kiss a woman."

oOoOo

Sometime near midnight, and with Hitsugaya missing a tie, now around Matsumoto's neck, and shirt, he and Matsumoto stood from their blanket in the clearing. Matsumoto wrapped her slender arms around Hitsugaya's frame from behind, placing her hands dangerously close to the waistband of his slacks.

He nervously, albeit reluctantly, grabbed her hands to force her to stop before she started. She looked teasingly to him. "I don't know what you're thinking, but we have to be up at dawn tomorrow to start practicing. We have to sing tomorrow, remember?" he explained, albeit looking disappointed.

"Oh, right. I guess we should head home, huh?" Matsumoto decided. Stupid work.

"I suppose."

Hitsugaya shunpoed them both to his rooms, where they fell asleep from exhaustion moments after walking in the door. They barely made it to the bed, still clothed as they were when they left the clearing.

oOoOo

"Yep," declared Gin, "i's gonna take all four phases uh my plan."

"I thought you were only aiming for them to start dating?" asked a confused Hallibel.

"I was, bu' why settle fer firs' when you coul' go all th' way home?"

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Sometime after midnight in Hueco Mundo, drinking tea…

"I've called you all here to announce something this evening. Just this afternoon the adoption papers were finalized. Ulquiorra, Grimmjaw, I want you to be my sons," Aizen sat at the head of the table, drinking tea. Ulquiorra, sitting beside and holding Orihime's hand, Grimmjaw, Hallibel, Stark, Yammy, and Szayzel (Nel was off torturing Nnoitra. Serves him right) sat looking at one another. For a long moment. Gin just smirked. He knew this was coming. He can see the future, remember?

Ulquiorra and Grimmjaw asked to be excused for a bit, and they took Orihime with them. When they reached the hallway Orihime voiced her opinion.

"I think it's a wonderful idea. You'll have an official family then. Maybe you can convince him to adopt more of you? Think of all the brothers and sisters you could have… and, you'll get his inheritance when he dies, too…" Orihime added the last as an afterthought.

At the thought of inherited money and power, Grimmjaw perked up. "Ya know, Ulqui, I think she's right. We should let him adopt us and treat us like sons."

Ulquiorra stood holding onto Orihime, deep in thought for a long moment. Finally, he nodded his head, saying, "I think so. This actually may be a decent contraption to get involved with. I say we consent."

Orihime squealed in delight and kissed them both. "It will be wonderful! You'll be brothers now, and you'll have a father. And, like they say, just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them."

"Che, whatever. And that was totally irrelevant, Orihime. We're not in the middle of a family feud yet," Grimmjow responded. Grabbing her free arm, he effectively dragged both her and Ulquiorra back into their conference room.

Aizen looked hopeful when they returned, resuming much the same as their previous seats. Orihime sat on Ulquiorra's lap this time, and she noticed Hallibel sitting particularly close to Gin.

"We have decided to accept your proposal, Aizen-sama. We would like to become your sons," Ulquiorra spoke up. Grimmjaw nodded his head in agreement, acting quite unenthusiastically about it. Though the look on his face showed otherwise.

"You have agreed as well, Grimmjaw?" Aizen asked, seeking reassurance that everyone's favorite blue-haired fellow actually consented of his own free-will.

"Che, yeah, whatever. Sure, adopt me," Grimmjaw grumbled out.

"Very well, then. You all are dismissed. We will celebrate Thursday. Everyone dress in formal clothes and bring a date if you can find one."

Gin looked shyly to Hallibel. _This must be why that other chick fell for him once upon a time,_ she thought to herself. She returned his look with a fierce gaze, suggesting more than just a little innocent flirtation, "Yes, Gin-sama?"

"Woul' you like ta go ta the party wit' me, Hallibel-chan?" Gin asked, his eyes, still open, being cast downward.

Hallibel flung her arms around Gin, kissing him full on the mouth. "Of course, Gin-kun!" She took one of his hands in hers and they left the room. The last anyone heard from them that night was, "Let's go decide what we're going to wear. I'll try on all of my dresses for you. Bring your own hanky."

oOoOo

In Orihime's room…

Orihime sat on Ulquiorra's lap, running her fingers lightly through her hair. They discussed the events of the past few weeks since his absence. Ulquiorra was most interested in the cloning business Szayzel had going on with Orihime.

"I still get this version of you, don't I?" he asked worriedly.

"Of course, Ulqui-kun. Grimmy-kun asked for some upgrades and different things for the new me, so we'll be more different physically than Szayzel-san thought at first."

Ulquiorra sighed in relief. "Oh, okay then." They sat in silence for a few more minutes, listening to Nel and Grimmjaw playing princesses in the small bedroom. Orihime was given a sort of upgrade to her room. It now looked more like a small apartment, complete with living room, kitchen and dining, bath, and two small bedrooms. Since Nel lived with her now, Ulquiorra and Grimmjaw petitioned Aizen to upgrade Orihime's room. He consented, and gave them free reign to do as they pleased, as long as they kept it under 800 square feet of space.

"Oi," Grimmjaw called from the bedroom he and Nel were playing in, "Are ya gonna ask him yet, Orihime?"

"Ask what?" she called back, not recalling anything pertinent.

"Ulqui, Orihime wants to get married," he called, effectively asking the stupid, insignificant question himself.

Big eyes were turned to her, and when Ulquiorra found his voice he asked, "Are you sure, Orihime?" She nodded firmly. "Well, then, let us go and tell father. Grimmjaw, we'll need witnesses, two I think. So that means you for one. Nel can come, but she can't witness. She's too young."

oOoOo

Aizen knew about all the love triangles and squares and hexagons, but this was the last thing he actually expected. When Ulquiorra and Orihime walked through his door to his personal chambers, declaring it something of importance, he was, to say the least, shocked to see them holding hands, a small diamond ring on Orihime's left ring finger.

"Where did you procure the ring from Ulquiorra?" Aizen asked. Of course he'd given his blessing. He would be a father-in-law now, and that meant grandchildren later on. "And I do insist you wait until Friday, so that we can throw a proper wedding."

"Hai, Father," Ulquiorra agreed.

"We found the ring in a twenty-four hour shop in the Living World. I had no idea jewelry shops were open twenty-four hours…" Orihime explained about the ring.

"Well, now that you've shared your good news, I must ask you to leave. I understand, Ulquiorra, that you have a large competition to participate in of the morning, and I must sleep if I'm ever to have everything prepared for Thursday. Besides, Orihime, you will need to secure the guest list for your wedding, I'm sure you will want to invite your friends from the Living World, yes?" Orihime nodded and she and Ulquiorra took their leave.

"Oh, one more thing," Aizen called just as they were shutting the door, "Could you stop and tell Gin and Hallibel to keep it down? I can hear them moaning and the thumping of the bed all the way in here." Orihime giggled nervously and Ulquiorra pretended to give some sort of affirmative answer.

When the door was safely closed, Ulquiorra turned to Orihime, "No way, no how. Not a chance in Hell."

oOoOo

Grimmjaw, noticing the looks on the newly official lover's faces, offered to let Nel spend the night with him. Strange how it only managed to equate to 1:00 am. A lot can happen in just under an hour.

Seizing the opportunity of the night alone, Ulquiorra made short work of removing Orihime's clothes, and she his. Effectively being the first intimate experience for either, they took things slow and cautiously at first. After their initial and experimental love-making, caution flew to the wind.

"Oh, Ulqui-kun, I love you so much!" Orihime declared, resting her naked form chest to chest with Ulquiorra. He rather enjoyed the feel of her naked boobs against his chest, and, he told himself, honestly just for the feeling of closeness.

"I know, and I love you, too, Orihime," Ulquiorra replied, his usually emotionless eyes filled with love, care, and a little excitement from their fun. Realizing the time, he kissed her forehead, saying, "We should sleep now. I've only been given clearance to be gone from Seireitei until noon. It's already three-thirty of the morning there."

Just as Orihime was about to fall asleep, she asked, "Why don't we move to Seireitei after the wedding? You can keep your new job that way, I'll get to see more of my friends, and, from what you've told me, you seem to like it there. I bet Grimmy-kun wouldn't mind coming along, either."

Ulquiorra lay in shock looking down to Orihime's head, still resting on his chest. Maybe she was capable of bright ideas after all? And it would be infinitely easier to avoid her cooking.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N:**__ I've thought about changing the characters, but I just don't know. What do you think? Should I make someone besides Hitsu and Matsu the 'stars' (like Gin, for instance)?? Again, nothing graphically explicit – unless you tend to think like a frat boy, like I know I do – but still M-rated so no one can complain too much. That you've been warned thing, ya know? 8-)_

_Enjoy, read, and review!!  
-Rachel Noelle _

In which Yachiru stuffs Byakushi in a dress, the competitors for the semi-finals are determined, and Hitsugaya threatens to kill a faun named Tumnus.

* * *

Behind the scenes at the Guys and Dolls competition…

"I am not wearing that," Byakuya told Yachiru in his best 'I hate you and the bands you like' voice.

"Come on, Byakushi! Pleeeeaaase? Do it for me? I know you love me!" Yachiru responded, her naturally large eyes big and round and her face upturned slightly to look Byakuya in the eyes, pouting. She sniffled a few times for effect.

Byakuya tried to resist. He looked to the horrendous outfit she'd chosen for him. Something pink and frilly, and looking uncannily like a dress Shirley Temple might have worn. But, try as he might, he knew he would eventually give in.

"Yachiru, I am a noble and cannot be seen in such ridiculous attire. I refuse," Byakuya glared at her again.

"Fine then. I'll just have to tell Ken-chan that Ichi is hiding in your pants. Won't I?" she countered, striking the fear of God into Byakuya's heart.

Byakuya looked panicked. "Alright, alright. Give me the damn thing. I'll go… put it on…" and he trudged to the changing rooms, the pink frilly garment dragging the ground as he went.

When he saw the delight on her face when he returned, he decided it was worth it. Besides, when Yama-jii got a glimpse of that outfit, he laughed so hard he immediately passed them to the next round.

oOoOo

Yama-jii sat in a studio chair in front of the stage, a clipboard and notepad in one hand, pen in the other. He called out the next name on his list, making a very dramatic gesture as he did so, "Ishida Uryuu and Thunderwitch Cirucci."

The aforementioned pair stepped out on the stage. They each sported their custom outfits, her frilly dress and his Quincy uniform, and almost immediately broke out into song and dance. After only a few minor seconds, Yama-jii cleared his throat loudly, calling the attention back to him.

"I'm sorry, but you've been disqualified," he stated brusquely, making a motion with his hands to shoo the competitors off the stage.

"What the Hell? Why are we disqualified?" Ishida exclaimed, ire evident in his words.

"She is an Arrancar and you are a Quincy. Now, please kindly leave the stage before I call security."

Ishida stuttered, looking for a response. Cirucci reached one before him. "But, Ulquiorra-san and Orihime-chan are entering the contest!"

Yama-jii thought this over for a moment before replying, standing by his decision, "Yes, but Ulquiorra-san is a very devoted member of my tenth squad, and Orihime-san is neither Arrancar nor Quincy. You forget we still do not like the Quincy, boy. Now, please leave. I will not request it again."

Ishida mumbled something as he and Cirucci walked from the stage, her arm linked through his. Sasakibe, who sat beside Yama-jii the entire (boring as hell) competition picked up "I need to go and fight that Mayuri freak anyway. I promised I'd kick his ass for Ganju. That stupid bastard tried to convince Nemu and Ganju that stabbing yourself is healthy and fun…" from Ishida's rant. Sasakibe just shrugged it off. If he was going to kill the twelfth division taicho, well… maybe they'd reinstate Urahara.

"Next! Abarai Renji and Arisawa Tatsuki."

Renji appeared on stage, definitely looking like the whipped boyfriend he was. After seeing their display of seven different kinds of martial arts accompanied by Beethoven's third, Yama-jii felt he had no choice but to allow them to continue on to the semi-finals. Ah, it felt good to be in charge.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Hueco Mundo's monitor room, the day after the night Gin lost his virginity to Hallibel… (Sure, Matsumoto liked him, loved him even, but only Hallibel likes them _that_ tiny.)

"Gin-kun!" Hallibel called from her position on one of the sofas in the monitor room. "Gin-kun, it's time! Come on already. It _can't_ break. Just because you're sore…"

Gin appeared from their bedroom (well, his bedroom, that Hallibel now claimed as hers, too), holding an ice pack to his crotch, trying to ease the pain of a pulled muscle. A muscle very vital to his sex life, and one Hallibel took too much pleasure in claiming doing damage to. He grimaced as he walked across the room and sat beside his Halli-chan. "I know i' can' break, but i' sure don' feel none too goo'," he winced.

"Ah, poor Gin-kun! Let Halli-chan make it feel better! Will it feel better if I touch it again?" asked Hallibel, as innocent a tone to her voice as she could muster. Gin's eyes went wide and he shook his head vigorously.

"Oh, no, no. I'll be okay. In fa't, I feel betteh a'ready," Gin assured her, lessening the pressure of the ice pack for effect.

"If Gin-kun changes his mind, he'll be sure to let his Halli-chan know?" she teased, to which Gin nodded, still looking wary.

"Shouln' we be watchin' th' show, Halli-chan?" Gin asked after several long, drawn-out, fearful moments. She nodded and flipped on the screens. Moments later they were joined by their usual crew, plus Lilinette, and minus Orihime and Ulquiorra (they're at the Guys and Dolls competition in Seireitei, remember?).

Hallibel caught the look Lilinette had in her eyes as she looked at Stark. And because that look was filled with lust, Hallibel decided she should do her duty as deputy big-sister to all the Arrancar girls and Orihime, and she pulled Lilinette into the hallway.

"Lilinette, I've seen the way you were looking at Stark-sama, but, there's something you should know," Hallibel began telling the younger woman. Lilinette looked to her, a flash of fear, rage, and jealousy mixing in her eyes. Hallibel caught onto her emotions and thoughts, and hastily continued. "I think he may be into Yammy a bit, too. They were all but making out on the sofa these last few days."

Lilinette was taken by shock. "You can't be serious! He told me he kept thinking about me every time he saw Yammy. Yammy's pretty ugly, so he said he thinks of me to take his mind off Yammy's ugliness…"

"Oh? Well, maybe he's just gone soft then. I can ask him if you'd like?" Hallibel offered, willing to assist her youngers any way possible. Correction, almost any way. Lilinette nodded, accepting Hallibel's offer silently.

"Thank you, Hallibel-sama. I very much appreciate it." With that, the two ladies returned to the monitor room, where Lilinette sat beside Hallibel, who sat in Gin's still sore lap.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Again in the changing rooms of the Guys and Dolls competition…

"Taicho! Come help me. I don't know what shoes look better with this dress," Matsumoto called, sifting through her shoes in their designated closet.

Hitsugaya huffed at being ordered around. She wasn't even officially his girlfriend yet. Regardless, he sighed heavily and walked to her. "What do you mean? And how big is that closet? I can't even see you," he called out, riffling through the first rack of hanging clothes.

"Which shoes look better with this dress? The red ones, the gold ones, or the black? I'm all the way at the back," she called back to him. He treaded his way through the mass chaos of shoes, clothes, scarves, belts, and whatever that creepy thing that looked like a sock monkey was, to the back of the closet.

He finally found her, some fifteen minutes later, perusing the last rack of clothes. "See, Taicho?" she asked, holding up the different shoes to compare them to her outfit, "I don't know which to pick. I can't decide."

Hitsugaya, not having the faintest idea, pretended to study the different pairs while counting out an "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" in his head. He landed on the gold shoes, so he told her, "I like the gold shoes best."

"Okay. I've got to change. We don't go on for a while, but I still need to do hair and makeup," she smiled happily at Hitsugaya. He picked out the shoes that she secretly liked the best, and she couldn't have been more thrilled. Without another word, she snatched her outfit from the rack where she'd placed it and turned away from Hitsugaya.

Thinking she was going to walk at least to the next row of clothing, he stood waiting for her. As they say, good things come to those who wait. With her back still to the young taicho, she stripped from her shihakushou, leaving her standing in only a thong. She'd considered a bra that morning, but decided against it. Only more clothes to get in the way when she pulled her outfit on. And as if she'd wear any other kind of underwear with the skin-tight leotard and short skirt.

Hitsugaya thought his heart might have stopped. Maybe it did really freeze over. He could just see the outline of her breasts, bouncing lightly as she moved. He barely found the ability to swallow, and just as difficult was breathing. She'd pulled the outfit, a shiny black piece, skin tight, low cut, and an incredibly short skirt, up over her thighs and was tugging it over her top half when a loud knock, accompanied by a yell, sounded from the front of the closet (read: hallway stuffed with clothes, shoes, etc.).

Both Hitsugaya, drooling profusely to accompany a small trickle of blood from his nose, and Matsumoto yelped and shrieked, respectively. In the moment of panic, she turned, clinging to him and causing them to fall sideways into the snow…

oOoOo

"Wait a minute! When did it snow inside closets?" Yammy asked, a moment of sheer genius reflected in such a simple statement.

"Since they landed in Narnia, of course," Hallibel retorted, having discussed the phenomenon with Gin just the evening before.

"Too bad we can't see the babe's boobs," Nnoitra complained, frowning at Gin.

Gin chuckled lightly. "Tha's cause yer in here. 'Sides, this's family 'propri'te en'ertainm'nt. Can' be lettin' Aizen taicho's li'l ones watch pornos."

oOoOo

"Hmm," Hisagi muttered to his cameraman, opening the door of the closet slightly, "I could have sworn they went in here. Oh, well. We'll come back to them. Let's go find Zaraki and Unohana taichos."

oOoOo

"Where are we?" Hitsugaya stood up, trying to look away to wipe the blood from his face. He noticed a few drops on his taicho's haori and frowned, making a mental note to clean it himself to avoid questions.

"I dunno, Taicho," Matsumoto began, unthinkingly facing him in all of her nearly exposed (she failed to button the buttons of the top) glory as she wandered around the immediate area. She opened her mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by the sound of a flute.

"Welcome to Narnia!" a strange creature with the torso and above of a man, with horns, and the waist and below of a goat-like creature, greeted them. He caught sight of Matsumoto's near naked breasts and began drooling.

Hitsugaya, not liking the beast at all because of this, drew Hyourinmaru from his sheath and stood in front of Matsumoto. At least when coupled with his hair his height was good for something. "Look, buddy, I dunno who or what you are, but those are not your boobs to be staring at. They are for me to ogle, and no one else. Now, tell me where we are and how we get back, and I will make your death quick and painless."

The creature nodded nervously, turning to face away from Hitsugaya and Matsumoto. "Please, have the daughter of Eve cover herself, and I shall tell you everything you wish to know," he requested.

Matsumoto looked around, thinking on what her mother's name was. She was female, making her someone's daughter, but did her mother answer to the name of Eve? She shrugged, shifting the position of her arms crossed over her breasts the same moment Hitsugaya turned around to face her again.

"Mats- Matsu- Ma- Mat- Ma- Ma-," he stuttered, trying to remember just what he was going to say, finally giving up, leaving his mouth gaping and nose gushing. His 'friend' decided to pick that instant to wake up, as well.

Matsumoto finally looked down at her nearly bare chest. She gave an "Oh!" in surprise, then proceeded to finish covering herself. "I wondered why it was so cold. I mean, obviously because of the snow, but it seemed exceptionally cold even for that," she rambled. She fished a hanky from somewhere in her cleavage and handed it to Hitsugaya. "Taicho?" she cleared her throat to gain his attention to her face, "Your nose is bleeding again." She smiled cockily, enjoying driving her taicho insane. "I'd offer to help your little friend, but we have company, and unless you really want to have an audience…"

Hitsugaya finally found the ability to move and speak coherent, though incredibly short, sentences. "That's okay," he squeaked, "And, thank you." He held up the hanky, face flushing red to match the flecks of blood still remaining. The time ticked by and the creature finally decided he'd had enough with waiting.

"Can I turn around now?" the goat-man asked impatiently, "Though I should have used that time to run away. But, a promise is a promise, and that's something you don't go back on."

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, sure," decreed Hitsugaya, still speaking small sentences. He was feeling a bit queasy and altogether sick from the blood-loss.

"Well, since you seem to be in a bit of a bind, why don't I start by introducing myself? My name is Tumnus, and I am a faun. I work for the White Witch, but today is my day off, so I don't have to report that there are humans in our land. This land is called Narnia. And you came here because you fell through the door of that closet," the creature, now known as a faun named Tumnus, informed Hitsugaya and Matsumoto.

"Oh. Well, how do we get back?" Matsumoto asked.

"The same way you got here," Tumnus told her.

"Well, then… Thank you for your help. We'll just be on our way." And with that, she seized Hitsugaya by the arm, dragging him flailing and shouting that he still needed to kill the 'pervert faun' through the snow and back into the closet. Matsumoto muttered to herself, "And since when are you suddenly not a pervert?"

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

The usual gang of idiots in Hueco Mundo were…

"Well, it ain't se'ond base, bu' i's close 'nough," Gin sighed. Apparently the closet to Narnia and the interruption at precisely the right moment wasn't enough for them to get to home plate. And after all the trouble Ulquiorra went through to hunt down Hisagi…

"Don't worry, Gin-sama," Szayzel comforted him, "I've good news. The plan to clone Orihime is complete. May I present to you all Nelliehime!"

From safely behind Szayzel stepped a young woman, who did indeed look like Orihime. Only with a few exceptions. According to Grimmjaw's specifications, she had green hair, green eyes, boobs about the same size as Matsumoto's… In short, minus the fact she had Orihime's body (height, same hairstyle, approximate weight, etc.) and something similar to Orihime's Shun Shun Rikka, she looked a hell of a lot like Nel in her adult form.

"Hi everyone," Nelliehime greeted the room. Grimmjaw's jaw hit the floor, and a tiny trickle of blood ran down his face. Hallibel stuffed a hanky to his face, rolling her eyes. Even Gin had more decency. Nnoitra had much the same reaction, except Szayzel slapped him for his indecency; no one besides the recipient of his creations has permission to react in such an indecent way.

Grimmjaw fell to his knees, kissing Szayzel's feet in gratitude. "Well, I've got an appointment with someone in my room. I wouldn't come near for a few hours if I were you," he announced as he grabbed the hand of the clone and headed out the door.

The Arrancar and person remaining in the room all looked in question to one another before simultaneously shrugging and returning to their entertainment.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Center stage at the Guys and Dolls competition…

The solo competition idea was long forgotten, and dismissed as ridiculous. At present, Yumichika was arguing vehemently with Yamamoto. "Just because she's missing most of an arm does not make her unbeautiful! In fact, it makes her that much more beautiful for having the strength to continue on after such a harrowing accident. I demand you retally our points!"

Yama-jii just stared back at Yumichika, wondering when some fruity fifth seat gained the balls to stand up to him. "Alright," he said after a long wait, "I suppose, since you have so forcefully rebutted my decision, I shall allow you to continue to the next round. Congratulations, and good luck in the semi-finals."

As Yumichika and Kuukaku walked from the stage, Sasakibe called out to Kuukaku, "You should take care, dear, to keep your, erm, assets in place during your dance. Poor Yumichika nearly lost too much blood this time."

Following Kuukaku and Yumichika were Chizuru and Nnoitra (to this day, no one knows how they got there). Chizuru looked as though she had no idea what exactly was going on, but she kept talking about finding her precious Hime-chan. Yama-jii confronted Nnoitra about why on earth the two perverts were entering the competition.

"You do realize, Nnoitra, that your, ehem, friend there is after the same thing you are, don't you?" Yamamoto asked.

"Of course, we both want to win first place," Nnoitra responded, oblivious.

"No, no," Sasakibe chimed in, trying to help Yama-jii out without tarnishing anyone's reputation. "He's means that she, too, is… um, interested in females. It's quite obvious, actually."

"What are you guys talking about?" Nnoitra responded, looking crestfallen.

"We mean that she's interested in boobs just as much as you're interested in them," Yama-jii nearly shouted, sighing exasperatedly after his exclamation. Nnoitra just stared at them, still wondering what the hell they were talking about.

"Let me put it this way," Yamamoto tried again, "She's not interested in _you_ because you have no breasts and instead a penis. She's interested in my tenth division's third seat's fiancé. And if she breaks up that happy union, I will kill her myself. Can't have the young prodigy's third seat in a bad mood."

"She's engaged?!" Chizuru, finally paying attention to the conversation about her chimed in. "My precious Hime is engaged? This can't be!" Sensing a possible disturbance, Yamamoto had Chizuru and Nnoitra escorted from the stage, forcibly, and disqualified from entering the contest. On the grounds that he couldn't allow a couple, who was so obviously not a couple, to enter. At least that was the excuse. Even if he really did just want them out because Nnoitra is fucking creepy.

Next came Soifon and Ukitake. Before they even made way onto the stage properly, Yama-jii spoke up, saying, "You are already disqualified from entering, Juushiro. You are of ill health, and Soifon you have been disqualified as you are his partner for this event."

Ukitake and Soifon both looked bewildered. Yama-jii was the fool who'd ordered them to enter anyway, even after initially declaring that they couldn't. Maybe the stupid old man would make up his mind, they thought as they walked from the stage, Hitsugaya and Matsumoto trailing them, trying to sneak from the stage quietly. Unfortunately, they were caught.

After their display of song and dance, a mix of Latin dances performed to jazz music (for extra creativity, Ukitake had stated), they were assigned to help with the stage-work and spotlighting. Not to mention the three interviews with Hisagi and Co. for the paper, a visit from Unohana when Hitsugaya fainted from loss of blood when Matsumoto 'accidentally' had a wardrobe malfunction (Hitsugaya wasn't the only male to suffer, but he was too out of things to care), and when they did finally have a moment, the pair was interrupted and found behind the curtain by an annoyed Yachiru looking for her dear Byakushi.

At least Gin got his second base.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

In the infamous Hueco Mundo monitor room…

Gin was sobbing happily on Hallibel's shoulder, his little plan was beginning to come to fruition, and his precious little pawns were starting to fall into his trap. A love trap, of course. He missed his Ran-chan, and since she was with little 'Gaya now, he missed her a bit more, but…

He had Halli-chan, and he was currently being allowed to drench her white robes with his tears. The darkened areas and prominent peaks beneath her top were becoming moreso as he continued crying. When Gin finally dried his tears, Hallibel kissed him passionately, loving the fact that he was comfortable enough in his sexuality to cry in public. Of course, when he opened his eyes he only glared at Nnoitra and some of the other ogling males in the room. (Again, no one knows how Nnoitra got there, nor what happened to Chizuru. Rumor has it that he stole the King's seal for himself… But, that's just rumor.)

Each of the others quickly tried to act as though they'd seen nothing. Hallibel's white shirt revealed absolutely nothing about her body that they'd wanted to see for forever. Nothing at all. Nnoitra scratched his head, looking to Szayzel and saying, "Did you notice that white butterfly just now?"

Szayzel responded in kind, "The one with the silver tipped wings?" Nnoitra nodded vigorously as Szayzel continued, "Why yes, quite a sight wasn't it?"

Even Stark and Yammy joined in, both echoing, "Ah, lovely!" When Gin was satisfied that he had placed the fear of god in them, he returned his attentions to Hallibel.

Moments later and there was a commotion on the screen as Ulquiorra and Orihime began their routine for the Guys and Dolls tryouts. Everyone stared in awe as they danced a lovely waltz to a minuet and twirled batons at the same time.

When the couple was granted a spot in the next round, Zaraki and Unohana took their places. They, too, were passed to the next round. Sasakibe advised Zaraki that he should keep his eyes trained on Unohana's face rather than her breasts to avoid slipping and falling on his own drool again. Shinji and Hiyori were passed on account of her threat to castrate Yama-jii if they weren't.

Among the other couples trying out, Nemu and Ganju were rejected, on account of his "ugliness" and her lack of common sense; Kyoraku and Nanao, of course, passed onto the next round; Kensei and Mashiro were rejected, on account of Yamamoto just didn't want anymore Vizards in the competition; Ururu and Jinta were rejected, as they were 'too young'; Isane and Hanataro passed to the net round; and Kiyone and Sentarou were sent home, due to their assistance needed by Ukitake (at least that was Yama-jii's claim).

Just as the competition was drawing to a close (and Gin noticed that Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had made their way home and collapsed from exhaustion on his bed), a loud yell of, "Ah, fuck man! Why now? Why me?" was heard echoing down the hall.

Quickly following the yells was loud, uncontrolled sobbing. Recognizing the cries as Grimmjow, Szayzel walked down the hall to attend to the trouble. Seeing as his creation was involved. All of thirty-nine seconds later, Szayzel joined Grimmjow in crying. Gin felt so terrible for the duo, something horrible must have gone wrong. When he and Hallibel reached Grimmjow's rooms, Hallibel went immediately to comfort Grimmjow and Gin to Szayzel. When the two male Espada finished crying and were able to speak, they explained the malfunction and explosion of the clone to the newly arrived couple.

"Well, Szayzel-kun, didn't you tell me that the potion for Nel would be complete today? Why don't you just use that, and Grimmy-kun can have his old lover back?" Hallibel suggested. As if she'd spoken magic words to bring puppets to life, the two males jumped to their feet in unison and set off looking for Nel. She wasn't supposed to be young, and poor Grimmjow had been so sexually deprived since her transformation.

oOoOo

Orihime and Ulquiorra made it home to Hueco Mundo as soon as the competition was over, and were met with the sight of a frantic Grimmjow and Szayzel. One in a mad rush to restore his lover for love's sake, and the other in a mad rush to restore the other's lover for science's sake. Orihime, being something of a foster mother to Nel, was able to find her in a matter of seconds. She took it upon herself to explain the situation to the young Arrancar girl.

"Nel, Grimmy-kun wants to use a potion to turn you back into a big girl. Would you like to do that? It would make Grimmy-kun so happy, and you can play big-people games with him, and me, and Ulqui-kun, too," Orihime encouraged.

Nel's eyes grew wide and excited, "Can Grimmy-kun and me get married then? He said we could yesterday, but he said I has ta grow up big first." Orihime nodded in response, smiling happily, "And he said that we could play a special game that only big kids can play, but I's don't remember what that was…"

"I think it's a wonderful idea, Nel. And we can do stuff together, too, like shopping, and cooking and we can throw parties, and we'll go to the real world and visit our friends, like Kurosaki-kun and Sado-kun, and…" Orihime continued her rambling as Ulquiorra stood beside her, waiting for her to finish her monologue. In the meantime, Grimmjow, Szayzel, and Nel slipped off down the hall to Szayzel's lab.

oOoOo

Gin and Hallibel were wandering the halls, trying to work out the last of Gin's soreness with some exercise. "Gin-kun," Hallibel cooed, clutching onto him in a flirting sort of manner, and kissing his cheek, "Are you feeling a bit better now? You know you'll have to get better soon, else we can't have anymore fun." Hallibel pouted lightly, pleading playfully with her Gin-kun.

Gin blushed, and tried to pretend he was feeling okay, without her touching him again, "I know tha', Halli-chan, but why don' we jus' settle fer dinner and, erm, some nice cuddlin' ta'night?"

Seeing Gin's reluctance, Hallibel took matters into her own hands, quite literally. She stroked little Shinso through Gin's hakama, and Gin couldn't find his bedroom soon enough.

oOoOo

Orihime sat in her rooms with Ulquiorra, awaiting Nel's return. "Orihime-chan," Ulquiorra spoke, holding Orihime from behind and kissing her neck, "you are certain you want to marry me? And you'd be willing to live in Soul Society while I work for the Gotei 13?" Orihime nodded, and Ulquiorra smiled broadly, "Good, because I spoke with Unohana taicho yesterday and she says she would love to have you work for her." Orihime was just getting excited and kissing and hugging Ulquiorra happily when Szayzel brought in an unconscious, adult Nel, trailed by Grimmjow.

"She'll need to sleep for about thirty minutes, and keep Grimmjow and his sex drive away from her for twelve hours so she can fully recover. She may sleep that entire time, too. If something should go wrong, let me know as soon as possible. Though nothing should happen, as it is due to my superior intelligence that she is back in this form anyhow," Szayzel commanded, giving Ulquiorra and Orihime instructions for Nel's care. "Also, Nnoitra has been duly punished for his idiocy in his creation of her child form. Currently, he is being entertained by a woman who wants nothing to do with men. Assuming you call being restrained and unable to 'relieve yourself' entertainment. I'm just glad I don't have to see him naked." Szayzel gave an involuntary shudder of disgust and fear.

When Nel was tucked in her bed, and Grimmjow forcibly removed from her room, Orihime set up a cot to be nearby when she awoke. As she slept most of the twelve hours, Orihime had little to do until she fully regained her bearings. And by that time, Grimmjow had disappeared into his own rooms, where Ulquiorra locked him away with a kido.

Grimmjow could see Nel again as soon as she and Orihime returned from their shopping, and they had a double wedding to finish planning. At least they had mostly the same guest list, so they killed two birds with one stone with the doubled-up invites.


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N:**__ Let me know what you think about the character cameo's from the movies. Last chapter features Narnia (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe). This chapter features the Wizard of Oz and Shrek (Shrek II, most specifically). The Shrek thing is just a single line from Hallibel. Also, things get a bit more, erm, detailed in this chapter, but I still see nothing too horrible. _

_And, I stopped juggling the spelling of Szayel and Grimmjow. If I'm feeling not-so-lazy, I may go back and change the others. But not right now. 8-P_

_I don't like Tousen or Wonderwice, please don't be offended by what I've said about them. And if it looks like I have a problem with homosexuals, I don't. There are two lesbians currently active in my sorority, not to mention some of my friends from college, and my cousin. I love them all, and only have like three people I'm better friends with, totally not based on sexual preference. More like how long I've known them. Honest!_

_Please enjoy, read, and review!!  
-Rachel Noelle_

* * *

In which a party is held to welcome sons, Ishida kicks Mayuri's ass, Aizen selects a queen, and the Munchkins attack.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Thursday morning just after dawn, inside the eleventh division training arena (because Mayuri refuses to damage his lab)…

"You really think you're going to kill me this time, Quincy?" a cocky Mayuri taicho asked.

"Well, duh. Why else would I be here? And, this time I brought help! Cirucci, dearest! It's show time!" exclaimed Ishida, facing Mayuri toe to toe.

"Oh, goodies! I get to fight now? I've been so anxious waiting for this. I couldn't sleep at all last night so I sharpened my wings!" Cirucci seemed to be in high spirits, so Ishida spoke a few quick, soft words about their battle to her.

A stray arrow somehow made it into the window of the now very pissed Zaraki taicho's bedroom and landed painfully in the hulking taicho's very naked left butt-cheek.

Well, needless to say, after the two lovers were interrupted in the middle of… things, Unohana decided to take matters into her own hands. By the time she arrived in the arena, a scant robe thrown hastily over her shoulders and unbraided hair providing more coverage than the robe, at least two hundred shinigami, most of tenth division included as well, were watching.

The groggy Matsumoto forced Hitsugaya to turn away from the action. His drooling over her was alright, but she'd have none of that drooling over another woman business. She took comfort in the fact that her boobs were still bigger. She noticed Nanao and Kyoraku in the same situation, as were Ukitake and Soifon. Nanao cast a binding kido on Kyoraku, and since Matsumoto's skills with those were not as strong, also took care of Hitsugaya. Soifon was torturing Ukitake in her own… special way. She simply drug her lover away from the scene by the ear.

Unohana, to make a long story short, absolutely kicked the asses of everyone involved. One Arrancar, one Quincy, and one idiot taicho. She left Ishida in good enough condition to finish off Mayuri, as a horny (and all the guys were a bit jealous of him) Zaraki suddenly learned the art of shunpo better than Yoruichi.

Ishida didn't exactly kill Mayuri, so he could lay no claim to the title of the next taicho for the twelfth, but when he finished (and after Unohana's ass-whooping), Mayuri retired immediately. Sasakibe, who caught wind of the commotion (who didn't hear that?) decided to inform Yama-jii of the result. The group involved in the fight were taken to the fourth to be healed properly.

The spectators all returned to their initial activities (mostly sleeping, except in the case of Kyoraku and Nanao).

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Around noon in Hueco Mundo…

Wow. Was Gin glad he censored that or what? Neither him, Aizen, nor none of the Arrancar (he knew this, because not only can he see the future, but he also watched all their births) were as big as Zaraki. He only knew about Aizen because he had the most unfortunate luck of walking in on him in the middle of… well, having fun by himself (posing in front of a mirror naked, pervs). And the jealous flare over Zaraki's friend that rose inside him had him calling out for Szayel as soon as he finished censoring. And thank god for Tivo. No one would have wanted to miss that fight.

Szayel immediately set Gin on a daily prescription of Viagra, to which, when she caught word, Hallibel was incredibly excited. They postponed the time for their daily "movie time" by thirty minutes, thanks to this. Well, Gin said he only wanted a quickie.

When the group gathered in the monitor room, someone finally noticed the lengthy absence of Tousen. Amazingly, it was Yammy, exhibiting another rare display of intelligence.

"Eh? Oh, ya mean the guy tha' kinda looks li'e Michael Jackson?" Gin responded to the question.

"Yeah, him. What's happened to him? I ain't seen him in… about a week now." Yammy scratched his head in puzzlement.

"We sent him and his ultra-gay lover, Wonderwice, on a… mission. It will be quite a while before they can return, assuming they can find their way through Far, Far Away. There was a family of ogres and their dragon and donkey friends waiting for them. Apparently the dragon and donkey's mutant children are looking forward to a good… meal," Hallibel informed him. She quite liked being with Gin. She got to know all the details before anyone else, excepting Gin and Aizen, of course.

There was a collective "Oh" from the crowd, followed by several quiet cheers. "I never really liked either of them freaks anyway." Well, that was the end of Yammy's intelligence for the day.

"Yeah, but," said Stark, ever looking on the bright side (well, nowadays), "for a blind dude, though, he could really cook." No one could disagree.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Ulquiorra and Orihime knocked on the door to the tenth division office. They waited patiently as Hitsugaya grumbled and answered the door.

"Every damn time we get somewhere, someone has to interrupt us…" Hitsugaya fussed as he opened the door. Ulquiorra and Orihime smirked at seeing him in only his hakama pants and most of his face and upper body covered in lipstick kisses. He growled out when he saw the intruders in his doorway, "What do you want?"

"Hitsugaya-kun, tonight is Ulqui-kun's party with Aizen-san. Ulqui-kun and Grimmjow-kun have been adopted and made Aizen's sons. Tonight Aizen-san is hosting a party in Las Noches, and we'd like you and Rangiku-san to come. As you are his superior officers now, and all," Orihime explained. Ulquiorra knew that Orihime was actually much smarter than she appeared, but her coherent exhibition of that intelligence did not come so very often. So, in moments like this, he could not help but smile and hug her.

Matsumoto appeared in the doorway, her robes looking to still be in place, but her hair obviously disheveled. "We've been invited to a party?" she asked with enthusiasm. Ulquiorra nodded politely. "Will there be booze?" again Ulquiorra nodded. "Tell us the time and we'll be there, right Taicho? Heck, we'll even get ready and leave immediately. "

"Really, I hate it when you call me that. We've discussed this a million and two times these last three days. It's just Toshiro to you," Hitsugaya explained, looking above all hurt at still being referred to as his new girlfriend's taicho. By his new girlfriend.

Ulquiorra told them the party would start at seven, and that Aizen had declared a war-time ceasefire for the evening for any shinigami Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, or Orihime wanted to invite. The same existed the next evening for the double-wedding.

"Orihime-chan! Why didn't you tell me your wedding was tomorrow night? I've only got one day to find you a gift! And for that Nel, too. Hmm, where are you guys registered?" Matsumoto nearly squished Orihime to death in her excited hug. Ulquiorra and Hitsugaya pulled the two women apart before any unplanned homicide could be committed, though.

An unhappy and initially still in-the-mood Hitsugaya was drug around most of the remainder of the day in search of the perfect party outfits and wedding gifts. Somehow Matsumoto managed to convince him that since the parties were being held in his third seat's honor, the funds for the rather elaborate gifts should come from the divisions' budget. After they searched all the shops in Seireitei and Rukongai to Matsumoto's satisfaction, they retreated to her home to prepare for the party.

oOoOo

"What's this? An invitation from Aizen taicho?" Hinamori's eyes grew wide and happy with excitement. She read through the letter handed to her from Ulquiorra and happy tears began to fall. "I've been invited to his party to welcome his new sons tonight, and he's decided he was horribly wrong to try to kill me, and he apologizes, and wants me to be his queen!"

"Erm, Hinamori-san," Orihime ventured cautiously, "I'd suggest, if he really did try to kill you, especially, that you go visit with him tonight, and make him prove he's sorry. Just to be on the safe side and all, you know?"

"That's a wonderful idea!" Hinamori agreed. She, too, tried to hug Orihime to death. At least with her smaller frame, she didn't almost succeed.

oOoOo

"Oh, great, just what I need. Another fucking closet door to fall through into another world. How many of these damned things are there in Seireitei?" Hitsugaya huffed, in a fowl mood after being shoved into Matsumoto's closet and told to change. By some twist of fate she fell through the portal behind him. (Read: Ulquiorra snuck up and pushed her through. Isn't Gin just great?)

"I don't know how I know, but I'm fairly certain we're in Oz… Well, at least it's pretty and colorful here. I mean, even the road is yellow. Hmm, I wonder why it curly-queues like that?" Matsumoto mused, quite enjoying the scenery and the tiny buildings.

From a sudden puff of smoke a… witch appeared. Where the hell did a witch come from and how did they know she was a witch, you say? Well, this is the Land of Oz, of course. Glenda's the only witch left, since the Good Witch of the South passed away from old age a few years back. And, well, in the land of the Munchkins, the only way you're going to be as tall as Matsumoto (or taller) is to be a witch. Especially when the men were lucky if they grew to be as tall as Hitsugaya.

Hitsugaya was surrounded by a flock of females, all _several_ inches shorter than himself, as another small group began singing, "We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild…"

Needless to say, Matsumoto didn't take well to the fawning over Hitsugaya those strange girls were doing. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but get your hands off of my boyfriend right now, or I will burn you all to the ground." The murderous intent rolled from Matsumoto in waves.

"Now, now. As guests, you have no right to go about threatening the Munchkin ladies. They are most welcoming, and they bake such wonderful pies," Glenda said. She turned to the Munchkins, then, and instructed them, "And you all should be ashamed of yourself. As Glenda, the Good Witch of the North, I may just have to shrink you all a little more for that display of such forwardness to our visitors. You should ask first, and if they say no, they mean no."

Glenda returned to Matsumoto and Hitsugaya, who was cowering in fear from the attack on his person (he just washed his hair, now it was all sticky again). "I apologize, dear lady and gentleman. Welcome to the Land of Oz. I am Glenda, the Good Witch of the North, and these are my Munchkin friends. How can we serve you today?"

"Ehehe, I'm Matsumoto Rangiku," Matsumoto gave a short bow to Glenda, "And, well, we don't really know how we ended up here, but we'd really like to just get back home. We have a party we must attend this evening." Matsumoto spoke for them both, as Hitsugaya was still too scared to quit hiding.

"Oh, that's simple. You'll have to go to the Emerald City and talk to the Wizard of Oz. He can send you back home." Glenda was quick to reply.

"But, Witch Glenda, what about your magic, and the 'There's no place like home…' business you told Dorothy to use?" a munchkin with a sash reading 'Mayor' spoke up.

"I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about, dear," Glenda sent a sharp glare to the Munchkin, who promptly shut up.

Matsumoto may not be the sharpest crayon in the box at all times, but by god, she caught that. "What is that business? A quicker way to get home?" she asked, glaring daggers at the witch.

Glenda tried to talk her way out of it, but when Matsumoto brandished Haineko and began her circle of ash, the witch caved. "All right, fine. Here, both of you have to have a pair of the magic shoes. I'm sorry, but they only come in one design, red heels. You tap your heels together three times while chanting 'There's no place like home' repeatedly. And poof, in a puff of magic, you'll be back at your home."

Hitsugaya looked a little miffed at being forced to wear red heels, but followed the directions anyhow. Luckily for the witch, they worked.

oOoOo

"Well, tha' di'n't work li'e I wante' it ta, they's s'posed ta end up in a room in tha hotel o'er there…" Gin sighed.

"Oh, well. Maybe you should retire the 'portal in a closet' idea?" Hallibel suggested, trying to comfort her lover. "You know, an all expense paid trip to somewhere in the human world would probably be a great idea. Why not do something like that for them? We can steal the money for that from Aizen-sama."

"Huh… Well, maybe," was all Gin could respond with. He really enjoyed these little games, though…

oOoOo

When they were safely back in Matsumoto's room, and a work order had been placed to have that particular portal sealed, both Hitsugaya and Matsumoto sank onto the bed.

"You know, Toshiro, we've still got a couple of hours before the party…" Matsumoto whispered seductively to Hitsugaya.

"Indeed we do. And what do you think we should do with that time?" he returned, just as eager to participate in whatever she had planned as she was.

Just as they were beginning to… feel each other up (she's lost her top and he lost his pants, you could say), a fire alarm sounded in the division. Well, Kira was in for a hell of a time for starting that one. And, Gin got his third base. Well, sort of.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

That night, in the fully decked out meeting room in Hueco Mundo (where Aizen always drinks tea)…

The guests were arriving in full party costume. Aizen waited nervously with Hallibel and Lilinette near the door. He was expecting a very important visitor, and he was nervous beyond belief. He had to show Hinamori he really was sorry for… those horrible things. And, thanks to a little pushing in the right direction from the two Arrancar ladies, he'd decided that if she would forgive him, he would make her a queen.

oOoOo

Hitsugaya stood scowling, still pissed about the fire alarm incident, and trying not to look too much at Matsumoto (the blood loss was making him queasy as it was). Not that he was letting her farther from him than their linked hands would allow. Matsumoto, on the other hand, still wasn't too happy about all the interruptions, but had accepted them and decided to enjoy the party. Currently, she was busy trying to help Orihime and Nel prep Hinamori for her meeting with Aizen.

"And, well, if he is really sorry, you can go to his room. But I wouldn't let him have any real action tonight, he's still got to prove he loves you. Unless, of course, you're just wanting to use him tonight and leave him tomorrow?" Matsumoto was advising the younger woman.

"Matsumoto-san! I couldn't do that!" Hinamori exclaimed.

"Sure you can. It's easy. Just get what you want and then tell him you've got a sick brother or aunt or something, and you have to get back before something bad happens."

"And you've done this before?" Hitsugaya fumed, looking suspiciously at Matsumoto.

"No! Well… okay. Once. With Gin. But it doesn't even count. That being my only… intimate encounter, I'm still technically a virgin. It never even went in," Matsumoto defended, crossing her arms and unintentionally enhancing her breasts. "Just because I am a make-out whore… There's a difference."

"Oh, well. I guess that's okay then," Hitsugaya decided.

"Well, guys, wish me luck!" Hinamori cried as she decided to make her way to see Aizen.

oOoOo

When it came time for the speech the crowd got a good laugh at Aizen, noticing his outfit askew and more than a few love-bites along his exposed skin. Apparently it didn't take long for Hinamori to forgive him. Flowers, a few tears, and a gold, jewel encrusted crown were all it took.

"I thank you all for coming today. Words cannot adequately express how happy I am to welcome my sons into my family. Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, please, stand and be welcomed properly!" Aizen presented his sons, and the crowd cheered happily.

The remainder of the party was spent, for the majority of the guests, on the dance floor or at the bar. Ulquiorra and Orihime retreated to his room (Nel and Grimmjow were occupying Orihime and Nel's 'apartment') while Hitsugaya gave in and decided to get plastered along with Matsumoto.

Too bad for Gin that when Matsumoto and Hitsugaya made it home, both were too drunk to care about sex. Well, he and Hallibel weren't, by god.


	5. Chapter 5

_Finally! An update! And I'm almost finished. Cameos this time include __Star Wars__ (episodes 4, 5, and 6, all mixed up) and __Robin Hood: Men in Tights__. If you haven't seen either and/or didn't like it, shame on you! You have no taste in classical film viewing!! 8-) Seriously, though, I strongly recommend these for your viewing pleasure. __**EVERYONE**__ should see __Star Wars__, and __Robin Hood__ is just so freaking hilarious it's too good for words (even though some strange people out there don't agree, haha)._

_This is un-beta'd. My apologies, but, I just did things this way. Really, I don't know why. (Alright, I just wanted the thing out of the way ASAP). So, if it sucks tell her, and demand she make me send her my stories or something. No, wait, that's not a good thing for me… 8-)_

_Thanks for reading. I think this will be the last chapter, plus a short epilogue. I hope it's not too terrible. But, really, I kinda ran out of ideas. 8(  
Please enjoy, regardless!  
-Rachel Noelle_

* * *

In which there is a double wedding, Renji bawls like a baby, an encounter is made with the Empire, Hitsugaya and Matsumoto help the rebel forces, and Gin has a vision

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Hueco Mundo Monitor Room number five-seven-eight-three-oh…

Gin and Hallibel sat on their usual sofa. Hallibel had Gin expertly positioned in her lap, arms around his middle and head resting on his shoulder. Occasionally she would steal a kiss, and Gin would giggle like a school girl and ask for another. Which she happily gave.

Still unused to Gin's ability, she was taken aback when he suddenly zoned out, eyes glazed over, and drooling profusely. Hallibel wasn't against 'swapping spit' but that was going a bit far. She shook Gin lightly, trying to get him to refocus.

After a tense minute for Hallibel, Gin rejoined the world of the somewhat sane. And he looked beyond depressed.

"Gin0kun?" Hallibel queried. "What's wrong, Gin-kun?"

"Huh? Oh… ah… it ain't nuthin' 'portant," Gin responded, tears silently trekking down his cheeks.

"Gin-kun, there is something terribly wrong. You cry about as often as Yamamoto gets laid. Tell me." Hallibel put on her best pout and puppy eyes.

Unable to resist his girlfriend's 'charms' Gin quickly gave in. He sniffled a few times first. "Just had a vision. Li'l 'Gaya taicho gonna make home plate ta'nigh'."

"What's so bad about seeing that?" Hallibel cocked her head to the side. Gin continued sobbing, and she was barely able to make out his (already horribly accented) words.

"I saw it in full de-tail… an' even little 'Gaya taicho's… bigger 'en meh…" Gin broke down into tears. Hallibel tried to comfort him, reassuring him that she was quite happy with his size, and therefore, he should be, too.

oOoOo

Inside Hitsugaya's rooms…

Hitsugaya shielded his eyes against the morning (wait, crap, noontime) sun. The light was causing his head to pound. Usually that was the job of Matsumoto or the dragon. "Ow, god, my head's killing me…" Hitsugaya grumbled, trying to sit up.

Matsumoto stirred from beside him, sitting as well. "It's called a hangover. It's because you drank so much last night," she expertly informed him.

Hitsugaya was just nodding his head when he sprang from the bed to the toilet. "That's a symptom, too!" Matsumoto called to him. Luckily she snuck some of the fourth division's hangover remedy the night before. There was just enough to share with Hitsugaya, too.

When he finally finished throwing his guts up, Hitsugaya returned to his room. Matsumoto offered him the remedy, and he gratefully relieved her of the remainder.

While the remedy kicked in Hitsugaya lay on his bed, waiting for Matsumoto to shower. She didn't take long and soon returned to his side. Trying to be suave and inconspicuous he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, then slowly pulled her closer to him. She rolled her eyes and happily cuddled into him. Suave and inconspicuous he was not. Obvious and horny were better descriptors.

In no time at all he was placing soft kisses anywhere she would let him (which pretty much entitled him to quite literally anywhere, as long as it was her he was kissing) and he lightly traced his hands up and down her sides. She hummed into a kiss, quite happy to have the long missed sensations of fooling around. Now, if they could just get in the experience they were both trying for.

Matsumoto counted herself still a virgin, as Gin's package wasn't much of a package after all. And she was highly excited by the prospect of losing that virginity to her adorable little four feet five (he'd grown an inch the last couple weeks) taicho. She just knew this time around everything would work out. And, maybe, just maybe, she'd peeked a few times. And then the day before, well, she'd gotten a decent view. It wasn't a very good shot before they were rudely interrupted, but she could tell he was mature.

Currently, said taicho was doing his best to get her undressed, and she was helping him as much as she could. She untied her obi, and had her kosode shrugged off almost as quickly. He had just started to figure out the clasp pf her bra when the outside went suddenly dark.

Both sat up in alarm, the sudden drop in light effectively freaking both out. "So, what do you think that was, Shiro?" Matsumoto asked. Hitsugaya scowled, but supposed he could let her get away with it. For now.

Hitsugaya opened his mouth to reply that he had no idea and a short hunk of metal on three 'legs' with wheels came beeping and whirring into the room. Only then did either notice it certainly wasn't Hitsugaya's room. The walls were white and a window showed stars and something akin to an approaching moon.

The little machine whirred and buzzed some more. Matsumoto redressed herself and kicked it when she stood. Hitsugaya crawled off of the bed to stand beside Matsumoto. The little machine acted insulted then started playing a holographic message.

"Help me Obi Wan, you're our only hope!" a miniature figure of a woman repeated.

"Who the heck is Obi Wan?" Hitsugaya voiced.

"Beats me," Matsumoto shrugged. She took to looking about their surroundings, trying to figure out what was going on and where they were. A door to her left slid up and open when she approached, and she pulled Hitsugaya through.

oOoOo

"Gin-kun, you didn't tell me about this one," Hallibel whined. She liked being Gin's girlfriend because she knew everything before any of the other Arrancar, but if he was holding out she was going to punish him. A sweet torture it would be, but those pulled muscles apparently hurt. She wouldn't know, though, seeing as she wasn't a guy.

"Tha's cause I di'n't plan this un, Halli-chan," Gin replied, looking miserable. "I got 'em tha' trip, reh'membah?"

oOoOo

Matsumoto and Hitsugaya ran out of the door of the room and right into some little green dude, about three feet high, with pointy ears.

"Ah, the ones you are that I have seen," the little green guy said. Matsumoto looked dumbfounded. Did he have some kind of ability? "The room at the end of this hallway find we must," he intoned.

Seeing as they didn't have much else to do, the couple followed the little green guy with the pointy ears.

"Yoda I am and train you I will," Yoda finally introduced himself when the trio reached the end of the hallway, and instantly set them on a crash course of 'Yoda Speaks 101,' 'Learning Guns in Five Minutes or Less,' and 'Storm Trooper Disguises and How to Use Them.'

"Yoda?" a man appeared in the doorway to the room previously occupied by only the three. "You really need to get them through 'Jedi Mind Tricks 101.' We gotta have all of em we can."

Yoda nodded his head, ceasing his lesson on guns. They'd covered the Disguises and Speaks lessons already (thankfully). And, in ten minutes Matsumoto and Hitsugaya had learned how to force someone else to think what you wanted them to.

"Jedis you are now, and wield these you must. A characteristic of the Jedi it is. A saber of light to be used as a sword I give you now," Yoda finally finished his instruction. The Gun thing would be a last resort if they could use the light sabers instead. And of course, being shinigami, they were naturals.

Yoda gifted them both a package. Inside lay a Jedi cloak, a light saber, a Storm Trooper costume, a gun, and a "Yoda's Special First Edition Dictionary."

Matsumoto grinned as she and Hitsugaya walked to an adjoining bathroom to change into their Jedi cloaks. "It wasn't the package I wanted, but it's still pretty cool."

Hitsugaya flushed a pretty shade of red, telling himself that if he was going to be with her he'd just have to get used to things like this. Fussing to himself he promised Hyourinmaru (who was laughing his ass off) that they would be late or miss the stupid double wedding altogether.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Inside Nel and Orihime's 'apartment'…

"Can I see her yet?" Grimmjow asked Szayel for the hundredth time that day.

"No," Szayel replied, just as every time before.

"How do you know that's for sure wrong with her? And why can't I see her?" Grimmjow whined.

"Because, I'm the scientist. I just know things like this. She and Orihime both. And because you're contaminated with cold germs. For the first twelve hours she and Orihime will be highly susceptible to death by cold virus." Szayel was beginning to wonder why he didn't just tell Grimmjow in the first place.

"Oh, well, I don't want that to happen," Grimmjow nodded his head. "So, when is twelve hours up?"

"Huh? Oh, that was over thirty minutes ago. I just like aggravating you. You can go see her now." Grimmjow landed a hit square on Szayel's nose as he walked by.

Grimmjow walked down the hall and inside Nel's room. They shared a kiss and a few touches before the screen blinked off.

"Ah, Gin-sama, whatcha go and do that for?" Yammy whined.

"Cause, 'corrding ta Aizen taicho, all meh programmin' gotta be PG-13 er less, and tha' was guarentee' ta be rated R, a'least," Gin replied.

"But, Gin-sama, what's wrong with Nel-chan and Orihime-chan?" Stark asked, obviously worried for the two females. Lilinette cooed and kissed him for being so kind and considerate. Arrancar they might be, but they did have emotions. At least where their friends or family (which they all were) were concerned.

Gin acted oblivious and ignorant of the fact that Stark had even spoken. "Gin-kun, can I tell them what's wrong?" Hallibel asked.

"Huh?" Gin looked to Hallibel as though she had suddenly gone insane. Maybe she had, dating Gin and all, but that wasn't the problem. "Wha'? Oh, yeah, I reckon."

"Nel-chan and Orihime-chan are going to have babies. It'll take about eight weeks, and then we'll have a little Arrancar baby, and some sort of mutant Arrancar-human hybrid. Szayel promises Orihime-chan and Ulquiorra's babies will be cute, though. Even if they are mutants."

Gin flipped the channel back to Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, who were locked in a battle on the Death Star.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Some corridor in the Death Star…

"How the hell do we keep ending up in these stupid places like this? What did we do? Who did we commit a sin against?" Hitsugaya cursed their predicaments.

"Summoned here you were by the Jedis to fight this battle were you," yoda intoned. Obi Wan looked at him like he'd suddenly sprouted horns.

"The hell did you just say?"

"I'd like to know that, too. You didn't cover that phrase in our course," Matsumoto agreed.

"You idiots," Yoda tried again, "The Jedis summoned you here, you're both very skilled with swords, correct?" Hitsugaya and Matsumoto nodded in unison. "We used our warp machine to bring you here. It seems the rest of the 'heroes' of this story are preoccupied. And we were desperate for help."

"Preoccupied? How? What could be more important than fighting a battle like this?" Hitsugaya asked, feeling quite angry.

"Well," Obi Wan decided to explain, "Han and Leia are probably holed up in a closet somewhere, having sex. They always turn their communicators off. Then Luke, Chewbacca, and C3P0 were in the middle of an intense battle in Mos Eisley, something about cheating at a poker game with C3P0." Obi Wan shrugged, the explanation not the most comforting.

"Oh, gotcha," Matsumoto replied.

"So, you mean to tell me you summoned _us_ here while in the middle of trying to do what this Han and Leia are doing? You decided to interrupt _us_ and not your 'friends'?" Hitsugaya fumed.

"I swear, I told Yoda it was a bad idea," Obi Wan defended himself.

And so, thankfully Yoda had finished Luke's training in the ways of the Jedi, since the story of his death took a very unusual deviation from the true storyline. Let's just say that maybe some looks _can_ kill.

oOoOo

Gin's eyes went wide. "Ah, crap. Ya'll don' let Aizen taicho know ya'll got ta see that. Tha' was way too bloody and gruesome for PG-13. I's sorry, guys." Gin hung his head. He'd missed the whole Hitsugaya-killing-Yoda incident altogether. He didn't even see that coming. Granted, it was technically an accident on Hitsugaya's part, he was deflecting a shot from a laser gun and Yoda just got in the way.

Unlike the other Jedi Knights, Yoda just had to go and show them all up. Big bloody mess and everything. Just a little tick on his ear from Hitsugaya's light saber, and "Boom!"

"I won't say anything," Stark intoned. The rest of the gathered group nodded in agreement. "Specially if you show us more of that kind of thing."

"And ta think, li'l 'Gaya taicho just hit him fer interuptin', then the little green dude had ta go and get hisself all blowed ta bits," Gin clucked his tongue in disappointment. He was starting to kind of like Yoda.(1)

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Finally returning back to Hitsugaya's room…

"I am not going anywhere until I get what I want, woman," Hitsugaya fumed.

"But, Toshiro," Matsumoto whined playfully. "I promise I'll make it up to you, and we promised we'd be there. We have to go, Orihime's waiting for us. And Ulquiorra. He's _your_ third seat."

Hitsugaya sighed in defeat. All these pent up emotions and hormones were threatening to make him cry. "Alright. Fine," he huffed, crossing his arms and wondering if he could drown in the covers of his bed.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Some time later, in the Hueco Mundo meeting room (which was all decked out for the two weddings, and full of people and Arrancar all dressed to the nines)…

Hitsugaya had his arm awkwardly around Matsumoto, who was sobbing rivers of tears.

Ulquiorra and Orihime, and Nel and Grimmjow stood hand in hand with their respective lover, before a rabbi's tent. "Married in a hurry?" the rabbi asked.

"Yes, Rabbi Tuckman, they'd like to be married in a hurry. That's no problem is it?" a man standing beside the rabbi, who'd introduced himself as Robin of Locksley, was asking.

"No, of course not! My gift to you all, free circumcisions at the reception," there were some gasps and hisses of pain from the audience, with several 'I'll pass' responses. The rabbi shrugged.

"Well, let's get started then. Nel, do you?" Nel nodded vigorously. "Grimmjow, do you?" Grimmjow nodded, though not as enthusiastically. "And Orihime, do you?" Orihime nodded happily. "Ulquiorra, do you?" Ulquiorra, too, followed suit and nodded. "Very well then, I now pronounce you husbands and wives. You may kiss the brides."

Aizen and Hinamori sat in the front row, one crying just as hard as the other. "Sous-kun, our little babies are all grown up now!" Hinamori wailed.

"I know," Aizen sniffled, "Momo-chan, we're going to be grandparents now. I just know it. And you're going to have more babies, too…" he continued crying. No one was really sure what the hell he'd been mumbling about. Wouldn't Hinamori having children be a good thing? But, really, no one cared.

The kissing finally ended (some of the couples in the audience were so entranced by the unusual ceremony that they'd mistaken themselves for the brides and grooms. Like Ichigo and Rukia. Who just happened to be sitting beside Hitsugaya and Matsumoto.

"Seriously, you two have got to stop that. This isn't your wedding," Hitsugaya complained.

"No, but it could be. Rangiku-san! I just had a wonderful idea!" Rukia chimed. The look in Matsumoto's eyes clearly said that she and Rukia were thinking the same thing, and before Hitsugaya or Ichigo had time to object both couples were being pronounced husbands and wives.

"You really should come back to Seireitei with us, Rabbi Tuckman," Matsumoto and Rukia begged. "There are so many couples who would love to use you!"

"Ah, though that does sound exciting, I've taken a vow of celibacy," the rabbi replied, laughing heartily when the four looked horrified. "Just a little humor. Now, for the wine! These four new couples need to be blessed until all of the blessing wine has run dry!"

Matsumoto never turned down free alcohol. And she wasn't going to start tonight.

The first escape he could find, Hitsugaya and Ichigo grabbed Matsumoto and Rukia and drug them back off to Soul Society. Orihime and Nel were too busy with their respective husbands to really care much.

Renji sat in a corner, crying on the shoulder of Shuuhei. "I always cry at weddings! And I don' even know any of 'em but Orihime!" Shuuhei looked sympathetic to his plight, and hugged him.

"It's okay, Renji. You can cry. I'm right here," Shuuhei hugged him tighter, placing a soft kiss on Renji's forehead.

"I know, but I jus' feel so… so silly!" Renji wailed. All the observers wisely chose to stay away from that one.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

At an emergency meeting called in Seireitei…

"And so, I've decided to cancel further rounds of the Guys and Dolls competition," Yamamoto's voice boomed. All of the gathered shinigami sighed in relief. This stupid little competition was just that. Stupid. At least most agreed.

"So, who won?" someone from the crowd asked.

"Oh. Well, I hadn't thought that far yet. Let's see, I'll just give the award to the highest ranked entrants. Let's see, let's see…" Yamamoto tapped a brush on his chin, looking over the records.

"Ah, here we go. It appears that Kuchiki taicho and Kusajishi fukutaicho took first in the couples competition, tied with Hitsugaya taicho and Matsumoto fukutaicho-"

Someone called out loudly from the back of the room "That's Hitsugaya fukutaicho now, too!"

"Oh, right. Apologies." Yamamoto continued. "And then the singles competition goes to Zaraki taicho for the men and Unohana taicho for the women. Will our winners come up on stage?"

Unohana traipsed up to the stage still set up, Zaraki grumbling but trying to keep up with Unohana's strides. A few moments passed before yamamot asked the obvious. "Where are the others?"

Renji and Shuuhei, who'd just made it back to Seireitei, spoke on the missing duos behalves. "Well, Hitsugaya taicho is finally getting laid. All kinds of barriers and crap up around his rooms. And then, well, we don't want to make Kuchiki taicho look like a pedophile, but, well, if Yachiru wasn't so short…"

"No, she got that stuff from that pink haired dude. She's not short anymore," Renji corrected Shuuhei, stars shining in his eyes. "She's a total babe. Man, I' totally do her."

"Retsu, will you kindly pass the rewards on to Zaraki taicho? I'll have a messenger take the remaining to the other contestants when we deem it safe," Yamamoto turned to the healer. She nodded as she watched Renji shunpo as far from Zaraki as he could get, stumbling and falling just outside the stage area.

Kyoraku won the bet on that fight. And for his winnings, Nanao had to consent to marrying him. She just never said when.

oOoOo--RN--oOoOo

**Notes:** (1) "Hisself" is NOT a word. Please don't use it and then blame me when your English teachers fails you. Lol.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: **There are probably going to be a lot of loose ends that I missed. I'm sorry. This wasn't a horrible, terrible work of writing, but it wasn't good, either. Let me know if there is anything you absolutley must know and I'll get you an answer. Okay, so I can't tell you who you'll marry or who your first kiss/love/*insert f-word here* will be. I'm good, but even I'm not that good, lol. _

_Thank you all for reading, and I hope this does not disappoint. I think, from now on, I'm only going to tackle pure crack in my little one-shots. 8-)  
-Rachel Noelle_

oOoOo--RN--oOoOo

About a week later, on some remote island in the living world…

"You just had to accept that trip from Ichimaru, didn't you?" Hitsugaya huffed, glaring at the woman he'd somehow managed to come to call his wife. He still wasn't sure he hadn't been drunk at Orihime and Ulquiorra's wedding.

"Well, look at it this way, Toshiro; we finally get to spend some time together, alone. Without interruptions. And, the ship serves the best food," Matsumoto tried to console her grumpy little husband.

"At least we're only stuck here until the cruise ship docks on the return trip," Hitsugaya mumbled.

"You know, 'Sex on the Beach' isn't just a drink…"

Hitsugaya perked up happily at Matsumoto's words. He looked hopefully to Matsumoto who winked back playfully. "No, no it's not. And I'll be damned if you aren't screaming my name in just a few minutes."

Hitsugaya had himself and Matsumoto undressed and enjoying the feel of the incoming tide brushing their feet before Matsumoto could even squeak out a proper response. Of course, a hand between her legs and mouth covering hers probably had something to do with that.

And, true to his word, she was screaming happy variations of his name in only minutes.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

Eight weeks later, in the Fourth Division recovery ward…

"Congratulations, all of you. Orihime, Ulquiorra, you've been blessed with a beautiful little girl, weighing in at six pounds, even. And Nel and Grimmjow, your little boy is just as beautiful, weighing in at seven pounds," Unohana smiled warmly.

More happy exchanges and congratulations were just beginning to be made when the emergency alarm sounded. All taichos and fukutaichos made haste in getting to the first division meeting hall.

The crowd gathered and continued growing, Renji being the last one to hobble in, still limping from the cast on his leg. There was a murmur around the room as they all debated the different reasons the meeting had even been called.

"I bet Aizen is invading again!"

"Nah, I'll bet they're finally gonna make Ikkaku take a taicho position."

"He might have bankai, but is he really cut out to be a leader?"

"Maybe Yama-jii is finally announcing his retirement?" there were several hopeful noises of agreement to this.

However, Yamamoto stepped in soon after the comment, sneezing violently. He quickly called the meeting to order, and there was a collective gasp of surprise when Aizen stepped into the room.

Yamamoto instantly called for the noise to cease, and the room silenced. "Aizen has come today to sign the peace treaty between Hueco Mundo and Seireitei. The conditions of this treaty are as thus:

"One: Visitation by all Shinigami and Arrancar between the two worlds shall be open. Violence is strictly prohibited. You need only to make certain you have the proper forms.

"Two: Aizen has decided to continue his rule in Hueco Mundo, and has ceased his attempts to become 'god.' Therefore, in order to maintain balance and peace, we will establish ambassadors from each world in the other. Applications may be picked up at the front desk.

"And, third: The real-estate market in Hueco Mundo is finally beginning to take off, and all desiring Shinigami may purchase lands and homes there. Aizen has agreed to allow Shinigami a special discount until the end of this year. As well as a small business loan for all desiring Shinigami and Arrancar."

The taichos and fukutaichos looked contemplatively to one another. "Tha's a'right with me, I reckon," Zaraki agreed. "But can we spar? I been itchin' fer a good fight."

"Oh, absolutely! We're building a training arena right now, and it should be open in about a week. You'll just have to call our staff and schedule an appointment," Aizen responded.

The crowd gathered around all agreed, with a few quick nods of their heads.

"Well, if that's everything, I'll just sign this and be off," Aizen concluded. Yamamoto dismissed the others, and minutes later Aizen returned to his new home just in time to rub Hinamori's feet. He thought he might die if she didn't stop retaining fluid soon.

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

At the celebration party to celebrate the end of the war…

"Okay, so those moving to Hueco Mundo will include: Yamamoto Soutaicho, Sasakibe Fukutaicho, and Kira Izuru," Shuuhei announced. "Let's bid them all a safe and happy trip!"

All present raised their glasses in a toast to the movers. Shuuhei wondered if Gin was going to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, or if Hinamori was going to have a husband and boyfriend, or if Kira's moving to be with Hinamori and Gin was just going to lead to some twisted love… pentagon.

Renji looked to Shuuhei, apparently reading his mind. A new talent he had only just developed. Thanks to Gin's training, of course. "It's going to be a pentagon, I'm sure."

"Eh, whatever. So long as old man Yama quits, I don't care." Shuuhei hadn't meant for anyone to overhear that, but the people in the immediate area all heartily agreed.

A few moments of silence from Renji and Shuuhei passed. Finally, growing bored, Shuuhei turned to Renji, both of whom were clearly intoxicated. "Wanna dance?" Renji shrugged in response and allowed Shuuhei to lead him to the floor.

"Well, we know who's going to be the dominant one in that relationship," Matsumoto mused happily, grinning widely for her friends.

"Who?" Hitsugaya questioned. "And how do you know?"

"Shuuhei. Because he's the one leading." Matsumoto grinned and followed suit with her little taicho. "Just like me," she grinned again, to which Hitsugaya paled.

oOoOo–RN—oOoOo

Around a year later, in Seireitei…

Hinamori's child turned out to belong to Kira, and they came to this knowledge because Aizen demanded to know when the little boy had the prettiest blonde hair he'd seen in ages. And, since Gin and Hallibel were now living in Seireitei, the pentagon had become a simple triangle. As per the Queen of Hueco Mundo's orders, Aizen allowed Hinamori to have a husband (him) and as many boyfriends as would take her. At least he saved money on dates.

"Oh, Orihime-san and Ulquiorra-san have made the best volunteer parents at the daycare," Unohana was bragging on her new recruit to the Fourth to Hitsugaya and Matsumoto. "Orihime is just such a wonderful asset to us. Her skills are remarkable, and she's finally learned how to train the rest of us in the healing arts."

Hitsugaya nodded wisely, agreeing. Ulquiorra had made an unbelievable difference in his squad's members. He didn't know how, but with the addition of Grimmjow and Nel to his squad, he didn't care.

It was amazing, seeing so many Arrancar and Shinigami working side by side, and enjoying the company of one another.

"I jus' hope th' li'l babeh meh Halli-chan is carryin' is gonna be healtheh, and pretty as 'is momma," Gin responded. After a few days Gin was able to convince Hallibel to move with him to Seireitei, where she quickly took to being friends with Matsumoto, and even joined the SWA. Which had since been renamed to the SAWA, or the Shinigami and Arrancar Women's Association.

Gin and Hitsugaya had even managed to become friends. Gin was no less creepy, but thanks to an invention from the twelfth division, which Urahara and Yoruichi had assumed leadership of, Gin was guaranteed to be honest. Of course, Urahara, being a fellow male, ensured that Gin's 'new leaf' allowed for a few smudges when it came to telling Hallibel she didn't look fat with that swimsuit. Not even if she was six months pregnant.

Hitsugaya and Matsumoto decided to hold a _real_ wedding ceremony, and, though Gin offered to wear a dress while he was Matsumoto's "Maid of Honour," she and Hitsugaya politely declined. The ceremony went off without a hitch, though, and Gin looked almost as pretty as the other girls in his matching tux. However, Matsumoto did learn that her first attempt, yellow, was far from a good color for Gin.

But, now, Hitsugaya and Matsumoto lived next door to Gin and Hallibel, taicho and fukutaicho of Division Three. And, with Hallibel and Gin expecting their first child, it was hard to tell who was more excited, them or Matsumoto.

Renji and Shuuhei were joined in a Civil Union ceremony. Rukia acted as 'Maid of Honour' for Renji, while Matsumoto was Shuuhei's 'Best Man.' The service was small, but their friends and family were there, and that was enough for the two. Renji had assumed the taicho position for fifth division, while Shuuhei had finally received the taicho's seat in the ninth.

Though, all things considered, Matsumoto and Hallibel agreed that it was sad that Renji and Shuuhei couldn't bear children. Both could only imagine the beautiful creatures they could produce. Urahara caught wind of this and was working on an incubation system to take the DNA from both males and create a child, much in the same fashion as Nemu had been created. Only their child would start as an infant and grow from there.

Matsumoto contemplated having a child of her own, but she and Hitsugaya agreed to wait a few years more. They would play with Gin's child first, and think about their own in the meantime.


End file.
